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OCD, Transfer Addictions
OCD, Transfer Addictions
After I lost all my weight and had plastic surgery, I felt wonderful. I spent a lot of money and time buying clothes. Some of those clothes I outgrew once I gained the 10% rebound weight (my lowest was 116 lbs and size 2, but then I gained up to 128 and a consistent size 4). This meant that my “forever” wardrobe (or so I thought) had to be given away because truth was, I wouldn’t be getting back into those tiny clothes.
Once again, I spent lots of money and racked up credit card debt just to look and FEEL fantastic about myself. I’m still paying on those credit cards! This is something so personal that I haven’t shared it with anyone. Though, those who know me won’t be surprised as they have observed my obsessive actions. But, when the depression started taking hold of my life, I resigned myself to baggy clothes. I had nothing “comfortable and baggy” so again, it meant shopping. I finally realized the spending HAD to quit and have done pretty well this past year. I shop Goodwill when I can and only buy things that I really need? Want. Yeah, I’m still working on the definition differences of those two words!
Spending always made me feel great. I got a real high out of finding clothes on sale as it excited me. Plus, I loved wearing new clothes and hearing people say “Oh how pretty”. After all, once the weight was gone… the NSV’s and WOW moments pretty much disappeared. I missed the feel good moments! And, I guess in a way tried to recreate that.
I actually have come to the place where I do need to update my wardrobe just a tad, get out of those baggy clothes for the betterment of my self esteem. So I started shopping again. I am trying to be very cautious and only pick up good quality basic pieces that will last and be versatile. Last night I picked up 3 new pairs of pants at New York & Company for just 14.99 each! And, I have purchased a few other pieces for my closet. I hope to get in there soon as de-clutter it so that I’m not overwhelmed by all the choices each morning (having to sort through stuff I will probably never wear again).
I must admit to you, though… It does feel great to bring bags out of the stores with new clothes and sale tags hanging off them. I find myself becoming obsessed, wanting to go several places to shop: Target, Walmart, Goodwill, the mall, TJ Maxx, Marshall’s… I leave most of those places with nothing, but my mind wanders, imagining all the wonderful finds that might be “just down the road at Ross, Steinmart, Kohl’s….” At some point though, I must practice restraint. Then I was reminded today on a message board about transfer addictions after weight loss surgery, and I know that I fight this one. The thing is, I have several collections of material possessions that I can add to:
Protein – powders, bars, ready to drinks. You name it, I probably have had it, want it, and will be get it.
Jewelry – we won’t even go there.
Clothes – new clothes, old clothes, consignment clothes, etc
Shoes – I’ve stopped this one though cause my foot has a problem and many shoes hurt my feet.
The point is, I strive to be happy, to maintain that “high” feeling that I used to get from food. Food surely does NOT do it for me in any way at all! So I go from one thing to another. At one point, it was blogging and I was obsessed with getting a new template and website. Now that I have those, my focus has turned and its a vicious cycle.
Food used to make me feel great. When I was sad, it comforted my tears. When I was lonely, it was my companion and never left me alone. When everyone had rejected me, food was always there to accept me back. When it went away, I thought I would be able to fill the void with something real and genuine. But, instead I’ve been trying to stuff things into the hole that lies in my heart.
Back to the doctor…
Back to the doctor…
Today I saw a new primary care physician. He is my friend’s doctor, Berri Girl. She has an array of vitamin deficiencies which have been helped by this physician. I will admit, I was very afraid to see another doctor and voice my concerns. In the past, I’ve gotten “that look” – - the one that says “I don’t want to hear this. It’s all in your head.” I sure didn’t want another neurologist experience where I left almost in tears. But this doctor listened to what I had to say. I think he realizes that we have different needs, and in his own words there just isn’t enough known about how to treat us post-operatively when the deficiencies begin.
The greatest part is that he wrote the order for all the labwork that I’ve been requesting, including the thiamine. And, if all the labs come back normal, at least it will help ease my mind and feel like I have a place where I can be heard. It’s caused a lot of undue stress on me when I worry about health issues, knowing that my doctors do not listen. What if it were something REALLY serious? We’re told to be our own advocates… but what about when no one believes you, or feels that you’re making it up in your head? Then what? I am very observing over my health because this is serious stuff. And, I take my vitamins religiously… in hopes that I am doing everything “I can do” to prevent any deficiencies.
Let me just finish by saying, they sure took a lot of blood! I think they took about 8 different vials!! I got a little nauseated when she pricked my vein. But, I was a big girl… I think I deserved a sucker… but they didn’t offer one. Maybe they knew I couldn’t have the sugar!?
I Want To Feel Wonderful Again!
I Want To Feel Wonderful Again!
Most of you already know (if you’ve read the blog) that I had lots of depression up until December. Then the Mirena came out, depression improved until it was time for my monthly cycle. THEN it was not quite so pleasant. I saw a doctor about it yesterday and he prescribed another medication to take along side the Wellbutrin. I’m glad that I can still take the Wellbutrin because I just fought the denial from my insurance company (and won). Evidently, they don’t want to pay for brand name drugs if generics are available. Anyway…
He said that I was experiencing some anxiety, it sounded like some attacks to him. I get to where crowds make me very nervous, I cannot hardly catch my breath and my heart races. I feel very agitated and afraid. I guess I didn’t realize this to be the case until Tim & I were in Vegas walking around on the streets and all the people everywhere made me nervous. I wanted to retreat to my hotel room, or at least to a much quieter and lonely place. This was the first hint that perhaps I was having anxiety. But, now that I look back, I see its been evident for some time.
Last Friday night, even a small episode (something really petty) “set me off”. I had purchased a new outfit, and needed a black tank top. It was somewhere in the house, but I couldn’t locate it. I asked Tim if he had washed it when we returned from Vegas (I swore I had taken it with me, but really later remembered, I had not). I grew extremely agitated, and that feeling of anxiety started in the pit of my stomach. It started to rise as I hung up clothes in the laundry room with hopes that I’d soon get to the bottom of the clothes pile and find my black tank. I couldn’t catch my breath, agitation grew until I exploded with profanities. *Well… I am not going to lie about it!* Tim finally located it underneath a pair of his blue jeans on the dresser in the bedroom. But, the anxiety was still present for another few hours. I tried to tell him that it wasn’t specifically the fact that I couldn’t locate the tank. It was just anxiety as a whole in general, and that it doesn’t take much to just set it off.
Hopefully this medication will help my anxiety, depression, and yes even some OCD tendencies! I took the first dose last night, and I didn’t sleep very well. This morning I had nausea really bad but I am hoping that I can adjust. At this time, I don’t want to tell what kind it is because I have positive thoughts that it will work. I don’t want to receive emails of how horrible this medication is… I’d rather try it, pay close attention to my body and how I respond, and then go from there… But I will definitely keep you apprised of my progress (or possibly digression).
A noteworthy statement from the doctor… he was in agreement that the Mirena was not a good option for me, and is a cause of these issues.
Minus ONE More
Minus ONE More
Today is gorgeous in Nashville! I actually wore a sweatshirt and wasn’t freezing to death. This morning I went shopping – TJ Maxx & Target. My friend, Berri Girl (Heather) recently gave me some great advice to wear clothes that fit better and closer to show off my figure. This is going to feel a little awkward because I’m STILL having body dysmorphia due to my flabby skin in the abdominal area.
I purchased a few items, including a draped open cardigan (see picture, it is SIMILAR but not exactly), black flat ballet shoes, thin long sleeve cotton tee. I wore all this tonight with my skinny jeans and black belt as I am going to a Premier Jewelry party. The sweater I purchased does not have the “lacey” effect, but is straight down and across the front (imagine whacking off the hanging portion on this sweater). It fits close so it makes me look thin.
Oh, and I cannot forget to tell you about my new slate blue leather half jacket as it’s too cute! Tim really didn’t like it too much because as he admitted, he’s not up on current styles and not used to “half jackets” as he called it. TOO BAD. I liked it! This is similar, only its slate blue and has no belt/buckle at the bottom edge.
That’s not really the reason I wanted to blog. Although, new clothes sure make me feel better about myself. I lost another pound this morning! Now 126.2! And once again, I’m NOT doing liquids. I am eating real food, protein first, moderate carbs second, and trying to pay close attention to when I am full. I am working really hard because, I would love to see 125 become my permanent number of residence. I noticed that 125 and below, I felt better. The extra pounds make me tired. I now return you to your normally scheduled broadcast !
