Archive for December, 2006

This evening I decided to go shopping and stopped at the Dollar Tree. I parked the car, got out and stopped to watch for passing traffic before crossing toward the store entrance. A guy driving through the parking lot came to a stop and waved his hand, saying “Ladies first.” This action took me by suprise as I felt no animosity or humor in his voice. I was grateful, and proceeded to cross, held my head up high and pondered this for some time.

This small episode triggered a memory that I had from when I was a teenager. More specifically, a sophomore in high school. I was walking to a friends house one afternoon and a group of high school boys came riding by in a jeep, the kind that you can take the top off of. They were hollering at me, whistling, saying things like “Hey, sexy! Do you want to go on a date!?” “Woohooo!” I can still hear their laughter as they zoomed out of sight.

Ever since then, when I see someone EVEN looking my way, I think they are making fun of me or judging me due to my obesity. I have a hard time accepting compliments from men, for fear that its some sort of sick sense of humor. Surely they could not find attractiveness in this blob of flesh… not when I’ve been made fun of, tormented, laughed and scoffed at, and hurled insults such as “hey fatty!” It’s of little wonder that I could not love myself when it appeared that my self worth had been dwindled away to nothing by mean spirited people, male and female alike.

It hurts A LOT to be made fun of, regardless of the reason. Whether a person is skinny, obese, tall, short, blonde, brunette, black, white, whatever the circumstance may be – it hurts to be insulted. It stings and scars one’s heart to the very core of their being. And, if done on a repeat basis, it eats away dignity and confidence until there is nothing left except insecurity and doubt.

It took me twenty years to share what those high school boys did (it happened in approximately 1986, and I didn’t tell anyone until 2006). It was humiliating, embarrassing, caused me to feel such pain inside.