Archive for June, 2007

Today my post is filled with the reality of what can happen when we fall, do something totally stupid, fall back on old crutches. I have been feeling a bit suffocated lately because of the person I have been dating.  He is the first guy that I’ve dated in approximately 15 years.  (I met him on Match.com).  To be honest, I feel that he tries to sow discord among myself and my mother, and myself and Mike.  I see some patterns that I do not like such as control and jealousy.  As a result of the frustration that I feel, I loaded up a plate with a piece of KFC greasy fried chicken, mashed potatoes, brown gravy, and half of a biscuit.   *This is not the healthy diet of a controlled weight loss surgery patient!

There is no way I could have ever eaten all that food! But I ate about 1/4 of it… you might say, “Well, that’s not bad… you didn’t eat that much…”  While this may be true, it’s also a fact that these foods are not among my “approved food list” and never entered my mouth at all.  I ate the food not because it’s what I needed or wanted, but for entirely all the wrong reasons. I turned to food again as a friend, a comforter, and as something that would listen to my sorrows and complaints which is very unhealthy. 

It has been a very long time since I resorted to that type of behavior. We always will live with the reality that we can bring harm to ourselves, and we must safeguard against situations that cause us to look to this sort of acting out. We all mess up. We all feel like failures at times. That’s when we get up, dust ourselves off, and go on. And, making the decision “that was stupid and I wont do that again!” It scares me that I’ve lost 121 lbs, at goal weight, and yes still there is an ever present reminder that I’ve not been “cured”. Just given a new tool and opportunity of which I must take full advantage, and work it every day.

I have come to the conclusion that this journey we are all on… and I am not just making reference to the weight loss journey… but LIFE…. is complicated and encompasses every part of who we are: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. Isn’t it easy to compartmentalize each area, paying specific attention to one at a time as needed… when we must embrace every part and strive to remain healthy

 It’s almost like a cubby hole mailbox system… we pay attention to one cubby hole at a time, when really, we are the complete being… one complex but entact being and every area has to be focused on…. That is where I am at right now… trying to focus or give attention to every aspect.Here are ways I try to accomplish this: 

• Physical – watching what I eat, taking care of my body, exercise, being a good steward over the body I have been given, fixing myself up to feel attractive, presentable, and working on problem areas.

• Emotional – journaling, getting in touch with what I feel, why I feel those things, are they healthy? Overcoming fear and moving FORWARD to live the type of life I want to have instead of “existing” and allowing life to give me whatever it wants.

• Mental – who am I foolin’? Ya all know i’m crazy! lol. I haven’t fixed this one yet…. But seriously, trying to have a stable, healthy, happy demeanor and use my logic and reasoning abilities even though, and I’m sure all of us relate, even though those old tapes play over and over in our minds…. sometimes we have to wait it out and do our best to convince ourselves of the truth instead of what we have heard for so long.  Trying to overwrite those old conversations with new positive thoughts.

• Spiritual – staying in touch with my Creator, prayer, living life by the book instead of my own selfish rules, working on my smutty heart which causes me to be selfish, angry, bitter, unforgiving, mistrusting, etc. so that I can be a person with honor and dignity, knowing that I can rise above all of life’s junk because of HIM and not me. I cannot do it alone.