Written by Melinda
Monday, June 11th, 2007
I haven’t had a date in fifteen years. What?!? Is that right? Have I forgotten how to add and subtract, or is that accurate? Yes its true… but yesterday I had a “coffee date”. This is a huge transition in my life. I’m scared! Yet excited! Yet it brings up a world of emotions that I never thought I would have to deal with.
I ask myself, was I overweight because it was my way of keeping people away from me? Some sort of safety blanket that provided me with a comfortable excuse as to why there was no one in my life… and after all these years, I have to deal with the real reason I was overweight to begin with? Hmm, something to ponder.
I am not sure what the answer is, but how can I be so unhappy right now when I have lost 117 lbs, have met my surgeon’s goal, and only 4 lbs away from my own personal goal? I feel better health wise, and have more energy. But why am I tired of dealing with this emotional side? Just another part of the process that we must go through.
**I’ve shared my thoughts, good, bad and ugly, throughout the journey. I am also going to share something of a spiritual and personal nature. Though I am not trying to change or sway anyone’s opinion toward religion, I do feel that spirituality is a part of what completes us… But the purpose of this is to keep my journal entact.
Here it is for 6/11/07 as I journaled during my lunch hour.Things are going pretty smooth today. I’ve been listening to my Rita Springer worship cd every day and the song “Joy Overflowing” really soothes my soul. I’ve done some soul searching these past few days and come to a conclusion. Out of nowhere there came this intense longing for companionship. And because I didn’t have it, I judged myself as ugly, unworthy, as if something is wrong with me. But why all of a sudden did I feel that I needed a man’s company in my life to fulfill and complete me? This goes against all of my rational thoughts and ideas! I think it had to do with something else that I am lacking… and until I get this within my grasp or reach, nothing will fulfill me or cause me to feel content. I’m talking about my relationship with the Creator – whom I have been drifting away from for quite some time.
There is a pocket of emptiness in me, a gaping hole that I long to fill. And each time I listen to the words of Rita Springer’s song, I long to be filled with His presence. The words are “Fill us with joy overflowing, with peace overflowing, withi love overflowing, with all of your glory.” And while simple, they have become my prayer. I want to have a healthy relationship with God. I don’t want to be overly religious. I want to love Him and have my life evolve around Him, but not as a crutch or excuse to “not” do things, “not” enjoy life, and surely “not” to use as an excuse “not” to live! I’m ready for new adventures (and I’m not talking about sinful ones). I want to do things. I want to laugh, play, live, love. I don’t know how YET. But I am trying to find ways, to try new things.I want to be content again. I want to know that my heart is satisfied. I don’t want to go through life always seeking for that thing which will fill me up but never finding.
Melinda, (I talk to myself a lot) you have too many experiences of times He has come through for you to not serve Him, to not love Him, to not gain your contentment in Him. You know that you need Him, and that where sin is in your life, God’s grace is able to reach it. He is able to forgive and cleanse it. He loves you with an everlasting love that no one can take away. Nothing you can say or do will make him love you less. He knows the desires of your heart, even if you are confused.
God has a divine plan for you. He sees the years that you have invested, and it’s His plan and desire to bless you. But He’s waiting on you to align your will to His will. He’s asking you today, “What are you going to do? Who are you going to serve?” He wants the very best for you, and yet He will not violate your will and force you to choose Him. He stands, waiting, longing, hoping, anticipating your return. He’s missed your voice, your passion, your joy, your smile, how you shared every pain, every agony, every thing you longed for, you shared with Him. So He stands waiting for His daughter to return, to run hard and fast toward Him and jump into His arms. Do you sense His arms outstretched? Can you feel the warmth of His light upon your face as He directly gazes upon you? The eyes of the Lord search to and fro throughout the earth, and Melinda today His gaze has fixed upon you. Of all people He could have chosen, it’s you.Jesus, yes its you I want and desire.
I remember the years that you completed me. You were all I ever wanted. You comforted me like no one else could or did. You touched the darkest recesses of my soul that no one else could. I did give you all my troubles, pain, sadness and disappointments. The hurting little girl, so fragile and sensitive, cried alone in the dark. And yet, at some point, she (I) found that she (I) was never quite alone as she (I) thought. That little sensitive girl waited for you there in the dark, a friend and father you became. A comforter, a provider of all things good. When you touched her (my) heart as a young teen, you purified her (my) heart. Yes, the same heart that should have been pure and untainted, but wasn’t due to fallen man and capacity for sin.
You cleansed the young teen’s (my) heart just as you cleansed the worst sinner’s. Just as today, you cleanse this young woman’s (my) heart once again, as many times before. Touch it deeply, touch it passionately, touch it gently Lord. Cause it to be healed. Lord, no one else knows my heart like You. They may perceive things that are fallacies and judge me accordingly, but you Lord see it like no other. You know the evil that its capable of, the corruption it has or can experience if it wasn’t for your saving hand of mercy. You also know the potential and desire to be full of your goodness, to love, to help others.
Lord, help me to become more like you. Turn my sorrow into celebration and rejoicing. Turn my cold neutrality into a blazing fire burning brightly again. Place a sense in me which says, “Melinda, you cannot just settle. You must be in God’s will.” Thank you for never leaving or forsaking or letting go… for never giving up on me.
