Last Updated on Monday, 15 October 2007 06:00
Written by Melinda
Monday, October 15th, 2007
I’ve always said being obese had stolen lots from me. I continue to believe it… regardless of whether it actually did, or if I allowed it to… but I never got to live like a “normal” teenager. I was overweight. Who wanted to date the fat girl? As a result, my social skills with the opposite sex really never got developed. And at times now I feel like I’m paying the price, or trying to catch up to learn what it was I should have learned 20 years ago.
I’m frustrated with myself because of so many reasons. Basically the same fears I have lived with my entire life: fear of rejection, abandonment (which is the hugest one) and fear of failure. That shouldn’t be anyone else’s problem or issue to deal with but mine. Unfortunately, when insecure times arise, why do they holler and scream so loud that NOT only I can hear, but the whole darn world hears it as well?! And that’s embarrassing! It makes my face hot with humiliation because it leaves me in a vulnerible place that I’d rather not be in.
You see, as obese, I could hide behind it… use it as a comfy blanket. I didn’t have to experience hurt or pain of being in love… cause no one loved me in a romantic sort of way. I didn’t have to wonder what it was like to break off a relationship. I didn’t have to have confrontations with my feelings. I didn’t have to be honest with myself. Or the other person. Sometimes I miss being fat and alone. For many people that makes absolutely no sense… but for some, you will know full well what I mean…
I miss being able to hide my true feelings. I miss not having to share in honesty when I don’t want to. But I know that its only .00001% of the time that I miss it…. and its when I feel upset or sad. The therapist says that it takes 2 to 3 years for a person to really grasp and change after weight loss surgery. There are a lot of issues to be dealt with… just when I think I’m doing so well…. have a handle on things… its then that something happens and I become a scared little fat girl once again….
