Written by Melinda
Sunday, November 18th, 2007
A vendor had brought in some “baddies” (aka goodies, but they are not so good for me so I will refer to them as “baddies” lol) and loaded up a desk drawer. I found myself really wanting something out of that drawer… just the fact that it was forbidden to me… and it kept calling my name. “Melinda, come see what I have inside.” It didn’t help that I was on my period and wanted CHOCOLATE, which I don’t eat.
At the end of the day, I grabbed a bag of M&Ms and secretly put them in my purse. I felt like I was committing a crime, but it was only committing a crime against myself, my own body. After all, it was a public free for all treat drawer… so on the way home from work, I began to eat when I was alone in the car. No support group members to gasp, “Oh my God!” No co-worker who knew I had gastric bypass to say “I thought you weren’t supposed to have sugar!?” No mother around saying “Melinda, you’re gonna gain all your weight back!” No one to say a single word. No one but me. And my dang pouch… and IT always tells on me!
Slowly I ate them, one by one… then two by two… then I let them melt in my mouth. Oh God was I in heaven. I will not lie. They tasted so good. Til half the pack was gone. I was driving home, and I thought “What if I got sick? I’m in heavy traffic.” But I began to reason it out… I’ve eaten half a pack, and nothing has happened. Maybe just eat a few more. Then I had eaten 3/4 pack. Ok, just one or two more… that’s it. I will throw them out the window. Then I thought, Ok there’s only 3 left. Or it felt like it through the waxxy paper. I reasoned it again, if I’ve eaten this many, I can have the 3 remaining. Only, there were 5 left! So of course I ate the other 2!
While I didn’t throw up, or get diarrhea, I didn’t feel up to par the rest of the night. I spent it laying on the couch watching tv cause I felt punified. I did come home and confess to Tim, guess what I did? And he just shook his head in disbelief. But, not judging me because after all, I am an adult and I’m the one who will suffer with the physical pain from my decision.
So I decided… I haven’t been doing so good on my eating. I have de-carbed the house best I can (my bad food was from OUTside the house, not within). So I have made a conscious decision to do better… not beat myself up and continue on in the self destructive eating that I would have done prior to surgery… realize today is a new day and I can make fresh, healthy choices today which will help it be easier tomorrow…
I wasn’t going to share it with anyone. But decided it was best to be held accountable… knowing that I had to face my peers with the poor choices. Plus, there is a nagging fear, a scary nightmare, that I will gain all my weight back. I want to keep it a nightmare… I don’t want it to be reality.
