Last Updated on Monday, 25 February 2008 06:00
Written by Melinda
Monday, February 25th, 2008
I have been struggling and thinking on this post for several days now… I believe the only thing I’ve mentioned is that Tim and I had a disagreement. (Given the nature of the engagement ring shown above, you can guess what the topic was about!) Actually it was a misunderstanding. I didn’t want to publish it until I had a chance to do several things:
1. Work it out with him
2. Work it out within myself and come to terms with reality
3. Talk it over and receive permission from Tim before I posted about HIS life, too
I know, I know… I’ve said it a million times… I just want to be honest. But that’s about MY life. When it involves someone else’s opinions, views, privacy, I want to make sure I have their permission before publishing anything that may be a violation of trust. I mentioned it to him last night, reminding him that I need to post about the situation. I am so new to relationships, and perhaps someone else reading this message is going through the same thing, or will go through it in the very near future. He gave his permission, and I can advance with a stamp of approval. Thank goodness!
I can only say that we’ve been together for 7 months now. Sometimes I feel so much love for him that I think it’s the most I can ever have. But, then my heart expands and grows, allowing more room for love, respect, and nurturing. It takes me completely by surprise. I ask him often “Is this how its supposed to be when you love someone?” I love him so much… at times it hurts. Its also confusing. As a female, I’ve been programmed to think and believe that when you find the love of your life, you make commitments, get married, have children. Never having experienced any of the feelings of being in love, I don’t know how it works!?
Now let me just stop a second to interject here that I do not want to get married today. Or tomorrow. So when I bring up this subject, it might leave you thinking, “Whoa there! No wonder you had a misunderstanding! You want too much too soon!” But, yes in part you are correct… but let’s tell the story so we can get a more clear picture of where things were and are going.
Last Thursday night was exactly 7 mos when we first met. We had a very pleasant evening with candlelight dinner, a glass of spumante (my favorite), and of course conversation… Tim knows me well enough that he could see the cogs turning in my brain. He asked “What’s on your mind?” I had a lot I wanted to say, but I’ve had to learn that you can’t just say it all when you think or feel it… sometimes its best to keep quiet… I should have listened to my inner self that said, “Melinda, don’t say it… don’t mention it.” But finally I gave in to my impatience. I told him how I had been thinking lately that I wanted commitments from each other. I was ready to be engaged. (What? Did I just say that? What was I thinking?)
We had a long conversation about how he has been divorced, and how he never wants to experience that again. Its very difficult to go through, and he is not ready to make that kind of decision that can affect both of our lives. He asked, “Can’t you just enjoy what we have?” In my mind, I was not hearing what he was saying. I heard something completely different! To me, I heard “You’re not good enough to marry. You’re fun, and I like being around you, but you’re just not marriage material.” I went on to bed, not angry with him, but definitely rethinking what I wanted out of a relationship long term and what I heard him saying he wanted/not wanted.
I woke up at 3 am and couldn’t sleep. Did the internet thing for about 30 minutes, then decided to sleep on the couch for the remaining few hours before I had to get ready for work. I cried my eyes out from the depths of my gut because I loved Tim so much. I didn’t want to have anything come between us, yet if there were such huge differences, I had to rethink our relationship.
Keep in mind that I have no experiences to draw from, except the ones that I have seen others go through and by the influences of THE TELEVISION! So when I make references to sitcoms, that’s because it’s all I know to draw from… which is sad but it is what it is…. I remember the episode of “Friends” when Richard and Monica decided that though they loved one another, they were not meant to be since one wanted kids, and one did not. I remember thinking, “How desparaging when two people love one another… Surely the differences can be resolved. Can’t they compromise?” I was of the opinion that “Love conquers all.” But suddenly, my desires to get a ring on my finger and a commitment to show me how much Tim loves me created the “slam on the brakes effect…” You know… the one where you are traveling 80 mph down a street, and suddenly out of nowhere a deer jumps out in front of your car… You are forced to stomp your foot on the brake and come to a screeching halt!
Much of the same theory occurred this past week in my relationship. I saw not a deer, but an elephant in my living room and it wasn’t going anywhere! There it was… for me to peer at regardless of where I went in the house… it was so huge that I couldn’t get around it….
I didn’t function too well at work on Friday. All I could think about was Tim, and how much I loved him. I didn’t know what I wanted… or what things were supposed to look, feel and sound like at this point in a relationship. I went to Mike’s house and stayed all night so I could think things through, clear my head, and also be with my two fur babies who love me regardless of what happens in life… Saturday morning on my way home, there was such a dread in my heart. I have never been one for confrontation. I was scared, nervous, but when I came into the house, I kissed him “Good morning” and for the next few hours it was strained. I couldn’t torture myself like this anymore.
I finally went into the living room and sat on his lap. I was ready to talk, to resolve these differences, and I expressed to him what I “heard” him saying to me on that Thursday. But in fact, what he had actually SAID out of his mouth and what I HEARD in my brain were two very different things. I wanted the assurance that he would not leave… or that he would not ask me to leave… I wanted to know for certain that he loved me. I didn’t want to be abandoned, a fear that has been instilled in my heart since childhood and I have no idea as to why its in my life… I talked with my mother and the only thing I can recall is that I had separation anxiety as a child… but where these fears of abandonment, rejection come from, I have no idea…
I have come to a conclusion. Love hurts. Love feels wonderful. Love is great. Love is terrible. Love is so many things… while it has the propensity to accelerate you to the heights of the moon, stars and sun, it also has the propensity to cast you to the lowest depths of hell.
