I’ve been blogging away lately. About nothing if you notice. Not about deep hearted stuff. Truth is, I’m depressed. Blame it on hormones. Lord knows it’s that time of month, and my first period since getting the Mirena. But these past few weeks I just have not been by myself. Since Thursday, I have not wanted to see anyone. I forced myself to visit a friend in the hospital who had surgery. I love her dearly, but there is something inside that just wants to be alone. Another friend had surgery awhile back and I was supposed to go up to Kentucky to visit over the weekend. I could not find it in myself to go. I used to get like this before wls. I did not want to talk on the phone, write about my emotions as they are too hard to explain, and spend a lot of time alone which I don’t normally do.
One way I spend time by myself is to go shopping. I visited area Goodwill stores on Saturday and Sunday. I was racing through those racks and a thought crossed my mind. “Melinda, what are you doing? I think you have a serious problem.” I was entirely consumed and focused on the clothes that I was looking at, while another lady nearby just sort of moved a few dresses around on the rack. I had gone through 3 sections to her 1! I’ve been shopping a lot lately. It helps me feel better. It’s the only time I feel happy. Otherwise, I’m not in the general feeling of “happy” lately.
Poor Tim. I’ve slept in the spare room two nights now. I’m not upset with him. I am in love with him very much. Yet, still I just don’t want to be with people right now. At present, he’s in the living room watching tv while I’m in bed in the spare room on the laptop where I will probably sleep again. My head hurts and the joy that I found on my online support groups are not a joy to me right now. I know in my heart that this is just hormones, but honestly and truly, I grow so weary and tired of going through these emotions! I have thought seriously about getting back on anti-depressants, but part of me says that I have come so far. I don’t want to become dependent on medicine just because I am suffering from some PMS symptoms.
The reason I write these things is because I did suffer tremendously from PMDD (SEVERE PMS) prior to wls. While I cannot 100% empathize with people with bipolar or other disorders, I feel that I have experienced just a small touch of what they must go through. It used to be so bad, I would flee from my house late at night because I felt so stir crazy and boxed in. Normally I would drive 20 minutes to my mother’s house, go straight to my old bedroom and go right to bed. Once she came and laid down on the bed with me, hugging me close and it made me feel safe. Otherwise, I didn’t feel safe. I felt sad and lonely and cried for hours. This occurred one day a month, but the days prior to it (approx 9 days) were just leading up, feeling sad, more sadness, and then depressed.
Now while I may wake up in the morning and feel like my normal cheerful self, tonight I do not feel that way. I am just “waiting” for it to pass and hope that tomorrow will be a better day. That’s how I’ve been living for the past week… waiting for it to pass.
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