Archive for December, 2008

Yesterday I had a visit to my therapist.  He’s the same psychologist who performed the psychological evaluation before my surgery.  I liked him from the beginning and knew that if/when I had issues, or just wanted to make sure my mental health was “well”, I’d revisit.  It’s been at least six months since I saw him last.  I made my appointment last week when I felt a tad off balanced due to being on my period.  But yesterday life was back to normal.  I had a great visit.

We talked about an issue that had been on my heart for some time, dealing with a relationship.  But then we discussed how much life had changed since my surgery.  The overall general concensus was that of “Look at you! How you have changed, and adjusted.  Life is normal.” Though those were not the words used, it was the overall tone and feeling in the room.

I mentioned that sometimes, to look at my before picture and to read my “Red Dress” and other stories, I KNOW it’s me.  I KNOW that was my life.  Yet…  why does it seem like it was in another life?  Sometimes I forget what it felt like to be overweight.  I inquired, “Is this normal?  It’s like a dream.  I feel like it was all a dream and that I was never overweight.”  It’s kind of like a shadow, how sometimes they appear really tall and strong in character, but then it just seems to fade away.

We discussed my weight.  Last time I was there, I had some issues with fear of failure and fear of regain.  It at times almost paralyzed me.  I told him, “I weigh 133.6 today; I weigh in once a week at least, sometimes every day, every other day, every three days… . but if I don’t weigh, that’s ok.”  Sometimes I eat foods on the forbidden list.  As a matter of fact, on the way over to the appointment, as I walked through the hospital where I work, I passed Mrs. Fields Cookies.  I pass every day, sometimes several times.  I always know when they have samples. But in the past few months, I have taken TWO samples.

Yesterday they had small pieces of a heavenly peanut butter bar so I got one.  I enjoyed every single morsel.  I was satisfied.  I did not have need for more, nor did I want to walk back and purchase one or pick up another sample.  I was happy with my tiny cube of chocolate and peanut butter heaven.   I remember a time when I would have looked around to see WHO or if anyone saw me take a piece.  Guilt and fear riddled my conscience.  Yesterday, however, I allowed myself the enjoyment and pleasure of a small treat.  Yet, I remained in control of what I put into my mouth.

I also discussed my relationship with food…  and the old tapes that once played in my head.  I really believe that it has changed.  Sometimes those old tapes still play.  When I am upset, I hear messages such as “Why don’t you just go get a hot fudge cake and eat it?  That will make you feel better!  That will make your pain go away.”  Or, when I am upset with someone, the tapes play and tell me to push the individual away…  “I knew you’d get hurt.  You should never have been vulnerible in the first place.”  But, I described it as watching a potential car accident in slow motion…  I can see every single frame of the video occur very slowly, and at the moment of demise for a passerby, I am able to dart out and come to their rescue. Much the same way with the playing of those old tapes…  I hear them playing the unhealthy messages, but am able to immediately see the demise and ludicrousy in their messages.  Suddenly, I am able to PUSH THE STOP BUTTON!

Immediately, I talk myself through, like an intervention!  These talks go something like this:  “Melinda, you know that is ridiculous! You cannot eat that food; it would make you sick, AND you have worked entirely too hard to get where you are.  Stay clear of it!”  Or, I remind myself that it is better to love others and be open, allowing them to love you in return…  than to shut yourself behind invisible walls of steel because you fear getting hurt.  I believe this to be one reason my life is much happier – - changing those unhealthy thought processes so that I can be much more optimistic.

I no longer feel the constant fear of failure.  I get up each morning and put on my size 4 pants.  If they start to get a little tight, or if the scales move forward, I move backward with my eating… scale back and do a modified liquid protein diet.  I took issue with the fact that I had gained some weight recently while on a medication, but then it hit me… I know the right things.  I do the right things.  I live my new lifestyle 99% of the time.  I should not have to live under a heavy shadow of doom.  And I allowed myself to be free of those horrible panics.

During this holiday season, our office has been inundated with food including (to name a few):  truffles, chocolate covered pretzels, Christmas cookies of all kinds, fudge, Krispy Kreme donuts, homemade biscuits with sugary jellies, ham & deli trays, homemade desserts of all kinds…  and as “keeper of the food” as I refer to myself since I am the one it gets delivered to…  I just tote it all down to the break room and leave it.  I pass by that room several times each day but the food does not call my name.  I have no desire to snack from it.  Food just does not have the same value as it once had.  I could take it or leave it.  In the past month, I have enjoyed cheese, meats and only a few times have I found something that really looked and smelled heavenly, pouch worthy, and something worth fitting into my daily calorie bank.  But, I believe this to be because I do not deprive myself, nor do I view food as “off limits”.  Instead, I choose to view food as necessity for survival, and at times food is also a treat we allow ourselves.

So enough about me and my thoughts today…  I hope you all have a wonderful Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!  I will probably not be blogging again til after Christmas, UNLESS I get something so exciting for Christmas that I must share it with the world!

Oh my gaw, Oh ma gawd, oooo me goodness…  whatever way you want to interpret OMG… ok then just pretend that’s what I mean….

Dreams Come True!  My article DID come out in the December 2008 Obesity Help magazine!  I’ve known since July that it was going to, but in my heart of doubting Thomas hearts, I was afraid to be disappointed.  “What if the magazine has to cut material due to space limitations?”  So I kept it to mostly myself for all this time… until I found out that it WAS for sure in the magazine! 

I am anxiously waiting for my postmaster to cram it into my tiny post office box… I check it religiously every single day!  Saturday I checked it twice!  Still, no OH Magazine.  Today, I called my doctor’s office to see if they would send me a copy of it.  The Bariatric Coordinator said that it was a feature article on the front of Obesity Help’s website (in a white box, with a huge red ribbon and the title “The Dress of Christmas YET TO COME”).  I immediately visited and sure enough:  THERE IT WAS FOR THE ENTIRE WLS COMMUNITY TO SEE!

I fought hard to keep the tears back.  I have a wonderful accomplishment to call my very own.  It is a huge day for me.  You see, I have always wanted to have a story published in a magazine or publication.  But I gave up on that dream.  I felt that due to my obesity, no one would ever want to listen to a single word I had to say, let alone wrote.  I felt very stifled and hindered as an overweight person.  PLUS, I didn’t have too many experiences or sources of inspiration to write about… 

I admit, I pull out my red dress and the story of the red dress….  it still awes me.  I think “who wrote that?  Who is that pretty gal?”  Surely, it can’t be me.  Sometimes, it seems like a dream.  Yet, if I pinch myself, it sure hurts a lot!  This must mean that I’m not dreaming!  I hope if I am dreaming, I never wake up!