I failed miserably and realize how easy it is to lose control.

There was a time when I looked at alcoholics and thought, “Why can’t they just stop drinking?” I could never understand what they were going through. But the past year, I have really come to understand what people with addictions go through. It’s not just enough to “quit” doing something… truth is, it’s hard to just “quit” or “stop” doing whatever it is that you are addicted to.

Through my struggles with eating right, staying away from bad foods, incorporating moderation and failing miserably at times in all these areas, I now have empathy for people with addictive personalities… the thing is, I can be doing good in my battles, winning them left and right, feeling high and on top of the world… thinking WOW I HAVE FINALLY CONQUERED! And guess what? I fail miserably and realize how easy it is to lose control.

I think it’s good to discuss our struggles. And better yet, to identify our trigger foods and reasons we eat. Just this week, a support group member posted about her addictions.  She feels all alone in her struggle.  Now we gave advice and we weren’t saying that we too didn’t struggle…  *Sometimes I feel like I’m not just the President, I’m a member of this club…!  But, I understand her concern and frustration that more people don’t TELL or ‘FESS UP to their mess ups.  As a result, there can be an environment where people are afraid to be honest and believe that they are the only ones who are having problems.  This is not reality.  It’s a myth.  We all struggle! And if someone tells me they don’t, I must admit to you that I believe they are lying.  Why? I say it all the time:  BECAUSE ITS IN OUR HUMAN NATURE!  We want what we want, and when we want it, plus we are a society that has “immediate gratification needs.”  <stepping down from soap box now>

Now yesterday, it had to do with Girl Scout Thin Mints. Many times throughout the week (for the past year and a half), vendors bring goodies (or as I call them, “baddies” cause they are awful choices for ME!) to our office staff. I am the handler/messenger. I’m the one that the vendors stop by and see and drop off these items… and I’m the one who takes the food down to the break room. Yes, I am forced to see, to smell, to be tempted first before anyone else! But most of the time, I could care less. I often times detest the food that is brought because I am strong and do good…

Until…. a vendor brought a box of Girl Scout Thin Mints. OH My favorite! I hid them in a cupboard until I decided what to do with them. Do I put them out for everyone else? Or do I keep this special treat just for me (and I can do that because we are always inundated with food, and I very rarely get any). The first mistake I made was to GIVE IT CONSIDERATION. I realize that. It should not have even been a matter of debate. I should have just taken that box down to the break room. I cause myself to think that once something is in the breakroom, I have won the battle. I never allow myself in there to get food… And to not be tempted, I eat lunch at my work area.

Anyway, those thin mints up in my cabinet kept taunting me. I wanted ONE. So about an hour later, I opened the box, and pulled out one sleeve. I ate one cookie, it tasted great. Then I got busy, and before I realized it, I was eating 3 cookies and I said, “My goodness, I forgot I had gastric bypass!” I had sat here and eaten 3 cookies as if I had never had my digestive system rerouted and my stomach cut wide. What?? But they tasted so good. I was going to take them down to the black hole aka break room… and I thought, “I won’t be getting anymore of these” and ate 3 more! Six cookies!?!  I cannot even use the excuse that I have no alternatives to thin mint cookies.  I just had finished a cup of coffee with Chocolate Mint protein powder that morning, and it smelled and tasted like thin mints.  I just WANTED those cookies!

I didn’t get sick. But the guilt, failure and condemnation I felt because I allowed myself to get out of control sure made up for the lack of physical sickness. I immediately became accountable to a friend/coworker and told her what I had done! It is the reminder that I have issues with food. I will probably always have issues with food.

I recently joked about “falling off the wagon” by saying I feel at times that not only have I fallen off the wagon, I’m underneath the wagon holding on to the axel and being drug down the dusty path!

There are times when an unexpected storm rolls in on the front.  Sun shining, waters calm, yet the turbulent waters swoosh in and messes up a gorgeous day.

I blogged about the beautiful Valentine’s Day I had.  It was fantastico (my new word, just to warn you)!  But there was something that occurred and it felt like the picture above – made me hot with embarrassment and stole my peace and joy away momentarily.  Let me explain.

I talk often about my struggles and how it has been difficult at times to embrace the new me.  I vascillate between Reality (being thin) and Mentality (being obese).  In other words, there are just times in my life when I think and feel like the former fatty that I was.  Let’s define that mentality a bit.  I used to feel like people laughed and talked about me because I was overweight.  I felt that the only time someone wanted to be my friend was when I had something they had – usually they wanted my skills and wanted to utilize them.  It meant going through me to get to them (the skills, that is).  I was kind of like a middle man.  If you wanted my skills, you had to deal with me, obese and unlovable Melinda.  I felt rejected by society, unacceptable to others because HEY!  I could not love and accept myself!  Now whether or not those feelings were justified or true, it doesn’t matter.  I felt them nonetheless.

Now on to my story!  Saturday I chose two garments to wear together which I had never matched up.  When I stepped into the bathroom mirror, I got all teary eyed.  It took my breath away as I almost gasped and burst into tears.  I was frightened.  Yet, I was also in shock and amazement.  What I saw was a skinny young woman.  I have been looking at her every day for at least a year now.  You’d think I would be used to her.  But, I am not sure if it was the clothing and how it accented my body…  I was skinny.  I went in and said to Tim, “Gosh, I’m so skinny.”  He said, “Why yes, you look just like you always look.”  It was no surprise to him; he’s been looking at me everyday for almost two years! 

As I was getting ready, I asked him if my pants looked alright.  I felt a bit uncomfortable in my outfit.  Why?  Because they fit well.  They were not bulky.  They were form fitting and showed off the curves.  This is something I am not used to.  My two friends, Jenn and Brian, showed up and I asked her also if my pants looked ok.  I was ready to change at the drop of a hat should someone say “No, they don’t.”  Both of them (Tim & Jenn) are honest enough that they would not lie or try to make me feel better just to make me feel better.  They would have given an honest opinion.

Later in the day, we were at Target shopping around the cosmetics.  I heard laughter, and turned to see what the commotion was.  There were two women in the aisle with children and they were laughing really hard.  As I glanced their way, they glanced my way and I thought that they were laughing at me!  My stomach dropped to the floor, face turned red in embarrassment, and I could hardly breathe.  I ducked into a section where I was free from their view.  I stood listening intently to see what they were saying about me.  I did not hear anything but in my mind, they were talking and laughing at ME!  I started thinking, “Melinda, the only reason you look thin today is because your pants are too tight.  Look at that bulge on your legs.  They probably think you need to go change.” 

That old martyr mentality that I had when I was obese came flooding back and it engulfed me to the point where it stole my peace, joy and happiness.  I shared these feelings wtih Jenn, and she assured me that they were not talking or laughing about me.  And she would know, as she stood just a few feet away from them during their outbursts of laughter.  I felt embarrassed to walk around Target the rest of the time we were there, and wished/hoped to God we could leave.  Upon returning home, I grabbed my most comfortable blue jeans and baggy shirt and immediately changed!  I also made a solemn vow to NEVER wear that shirt and those pants together EVER again. 

Do I feel this way every single day of my life? No!  Just read my blog or ask those closest to me.  I have gained a very confident feeling about myself since my weight loss.  But you know, sometimes we all have bad days.  Doesn’t mean we are crazy.  Doesn’t mean we need intensive deep counseling.  It just means we are HUMAN.  But I am reminded of something that I read on a support forum on several occasions…  it’s about past “demons” and how they come at the most inopportune, unexpected times to torment us.  Now I’m not talking about actual demons, I’m talking about those things that we believed, felt, or experienced in our past that bothered us greatly – sometimes to the point of altering our state of mind.  Just as I described my Saturday Valentine’s experience, it altered my happiness and joy temporarily. 

One thing I was able to do that I never did in the past?  Tell someone.  I did not hold those hurts inside where they would stew around, brew and grow.  But, I made it public, just as I am here today.  Several reasons I do this. 

1.  To hear myself say what I feel.  At times, I realize just how ridiculous it is!

2.  To help someone else feel normal.  Some folks won’t say what they feel and think that its abnormal.  “There’s something WRONG with me for feeling that way.”  No, nothing wrong.  You’re just HUMAN!  By hearing or reading of someone else feeling those things, it alleviates the “I’m weird” belief.

3.  It takes power away from those thoughts or “demons” that torment our minds.  They aren’t kept private, no longer can they blackmail us, cause us to be its prisoner, and won’t hold me captive. 

So while the day was beautiful, I did have some issues that came up and I was forced to deal with them…  so is this wls journey of ours.  Sometimes very beautiful and rewarding, sometimes painful.  But, the beauty far outweighs any of the storms that we may encounter.