This post has been a long time in the thought processes of my mind. I’ve alluded to it, often times tried to voice it, yet really never felt as if I actually came right out and said what was bothering me. Until, last night when Tim took my picture and I looked really hard at it. But let’s backtrack:
Highest weight: 251 lbs / Lowest weight: 116 lbs / Current weight: 127-133 lbs depending
So oh my gosh. I’ve gained weight! Yes I’ve told you that time and again. But have I ever really shared HOW that has made me feel? I read a post from a woman today who is no longer at her goal/lowest weight ever. She’s gained. She’s had some setbacks, some from health issues, medications, and some due to her eating tendencies. I felt in many ways that I was reading some of my own thoughts from this past year. Yet, it also made me sad for this woman. She felt like such a failure. I felt like such a failure. She could not stand to look at herself in a mirror. I could not stand to look at myself in a mirror. She has eluded support forum posting. I have eluded support forum posting. I have also eluded my support group locally by not attending lunches and dinners together. And when I do meet people out who are also wls patients, I often wonder, “Do they see that I have gained weight? I’m not as small or thin as I used to be.” It makes me have a real identity crisis. I’m not “the smallest in the group” anymore. I liked being the smallest. I liked being the thinnest. I liked being thin. I liked feeling thin and pretty. I hate feeling fat. I hate feeling huge. I hate feeling failure.
Now you may be asking, Then why don’t you just lose some weight? I have tried! I have cut back on carbs, calories, upped my exercise, increased protein intake, oh Lord you name it! That’s one thing I do know: how to lose weight! But my body just does not want to cooperate! In the past 4 weeks, I have lost ONE lb. ONE, as in O-N-E. It is frustrating! But it does not make me give up. I continue to press forward in my efforts… continue doing what is best for my body…. after all, that is what will keep me on track and healthy.
But those are all things that I have just crammed into the back of my mind this past year. I stomped them far down inside and refused to actually VOICE them… or say them aloud. No one wants to hear this kind of stuff. It brings out the fear in THEM too. And, I think that they want to admit these are some of the same thoughts that they too have, but unwilling to come clean! At times, I wanted to say it aloud just as this woman did today… yet feared someone would say “you need a therapist” or “you have issues.” Well woo friggin hoo. Thanks for sharing that tip with me, as if I didn’t already know it! I mean, come on. I was morbidly obese. I got that way somehow! There had to be underlying ‘ISSUES’! But guess what? I’ve been to therapy! Sometimes I still go… I used to work for therapists. I know song and dances. But you know what? It’s like when you were a kid and were scared of the dark… even after you are no longer afraid of the Boogie Man, he still comes back from time to time and TRIES to scare you! Even though we deal with our “issues”, and we learn how to “deal with them”, sometimes they still rear their ugly demonic heads and try to intimidate or overcome us.
Day after day, week after week… I get up out of bed, I face myself in the mirror… today might be a great feeling day. It might be a “I feel and look fat” day. These come and these go. But I do my best to deal with what I have… push through another day… strive for tomorrow to be a better one… and continue walking day by day on this journey. I have said it many times. This journey is not for those who are faint hearted. Those who are faint, I wonder if they stopped by the wayside long ago… and are back there sitting on a fence post all alone… or with other faint hearted folks near them. But, those with perseverance put one foot in front of another… even though circumstances or thoughts may provide a message that it would be best to just give up… and as one foot is placed forward, the individual believes that they are one step closer towards a brighter day… a brighter future…
Last week I attended a support group luncheon. It felt good to sit among friends. I knew I had gained. But you know what? They didn’t care. Or at least, they didn’t act like they cared. They didn’t say “Hey, getting a little thick around the midsection, aren’t ya?” All the things I feared didn’t come true. Instead, after the meeting I was able to openly talk about some of my fears with a dear friend of mine… and there was no judgment. Just kind love and caring concern… and the general overall feeling that we’re in this together… we understand how one another feels. And, that day by day we are recovering, getting better, learning how to be healthier in all aspects of this journey…
Leave a Reply