Fear:  (noun) a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid (Dictionary.com)

When I was a child, I was afraid of “The Boogie Man”.  Though I had never actually seen him, nor knew of anyone who could tell me what he looked like, I believed that he was real.  I didn’t ask for proof.  I didn’t need proof.  Just the thought that someone talked about him, and that he was running loose made me afraid.  After all, WHY would someone talk about the Boogie Man or make him up if he did not really exist?  SOMEONE somewhere along the way had to know or have seen him at some point in their lives, right?  So whether or not he was real or fiction didn’t make any mind to me…  the fear that gripped my heart was a very real feeling!

I went to great lengths to make sure not to be a target for the Boogie Man.  At night, I made sure my mother tucked me in, and there was always a night light.  Just think about it.  If its pitch dark, and he decided to show up in my room, how would I be able to see him?  A night light would help me make out the shadows and see whether it was a friend or foe.  And, once I was inside the covers, NEVER while still awake would my hands or feet stick outside the covers or off the sides of the bed!  What if he (The Boogie Man) came crawling out from underneath my bed and grabbed my feet while I was sleeping?  I always KNEW he was there, I just went to great lengths to ensure I was not a victim (or easy victim, that is!).

I didn’t realize it until this weekend that much in the same way I have been afraid of another monster in my life.  We talk about him often, mostly in jest when we fall off the wagon.  I am referring to THE CARB MONSTER.  Now we know that there is no actual such thing as a carb monster.  But we refer to him to explain our addiction to carbs, or foods that we know we should not and cannot have.  Becoming addicted to carbs mean that we are or have spiraled out of control and are not on the bariatric plan that we have been given “FOR LIFE.”  It is when we stray from our plan of eating that we CAN feel condemnatory, or like a failure because we know what to do but do not do it!  To drill down even further, the real fear is of food(s) and weight regain.  This is been in my heart and mind for some time, though I had continued taking many steps to keep from being a victim.

I do pretty well in my eating the majority of the time (98%).  To say I never eat a carb would be an outright lie.  Now I don’t eat items on a routine basis that are bad for me.  But, sometimes every blue moon I get tempted and do something just stupid, like the cupcake I ate on my birthday and had the worst dumping episode that I’ve had in about 2 years!  BUT, there is still a fear that has resided in my heart for quite some time.  I have gone to some pretty great lengths to make sure I do not fall prey to its clutches.  I knew that the fear was there but was hoping as I incorporated change into my life, and pretended that it did not exist, I would avoid any and all repercussions SHOULD I COME FACE TO FACE WITH HIM.  And, that’s a fear of weight regain.  It’s been shadowing my life for many months now, affecting my life and decisions.  I finally realized it this weekend.  I am going to post another blog about my experiences this weekend (which will be spiritual in nature, for those who are not interested in such things, that’s a forewarning!).  But, I realized that fear has been ruling in my heart and keeping me from truly being free and enjoying my life as it should.  I am going to work on getting rid of this fear.