Written by Melinda
Wednesday, March 31st, 2010
Pre weight loss surgery shopping days used to go something like this:
- Leave house in the morning, stop at McDonald’s for a sausage egg mcmuffin with cheese (2), a coke and hash browns
- Visit store of my choice to look for items
- Grab a candy bar on the way out of the check out line
- Visit next store of my choice to look for more items
- Stop at the snack bar for a pretzel
- Go to the local fast food restaurant that had my favorite dessert
- Do more shopping
- Time for lunch! Drive through fast food joint and sit in the car to eat OR go to Sonic where I could sit in my car (alone)
The day usually ended with a disgusted feeling as I either saw someone thin and pretty, and it made me wish I could be that way too. Or, I was frustrated that none of the “pretty clothes” fit me! There was one thing I could always count on: that was food (anywhere, everywhere). I didn’t have to fit into anything, or look a certain way. Food was always accessible and made me feel good. Overall, food and shopping always went hand in hand. (I grabbed this pic off Photobucket… a girl eating in a car alone… happy)
It’s been quite awhile since I’ve done some major shopping for my wardrobe. But as spring arrives, and I’m trying to remake my fashion sense over, I’ve been on a mission visiting every store I can think of during the past few weeks. A funny thing occurred. As I was leaving a store, the thought came to mind, “Why don’t you stop over at Chick-Fil-A for something to eat?” Immediately, my response was “I don’t want to do that. They don’t have much healthy for me.” Then another thought: “But Tim won’t know.” What? Where in the world did that come from?
I gave it some thought and posted about it on BTV. The title of the thread was “Old Demons DO Return”. I thought that perhaps it was those past demons that were lurking and finding a moment of weakness to tempt me. But… maybe it wasn’t quite that serious. What if it was just the familiarity of shopping and along with it came an old habit? Perhaps it was just… a habit!
So at Monday’s therapy session… I posed the question to the counselor. He asked me several questions to find out if these thoughts were luring me in to actions that I did not want to commit and regretted later. Or, were they just thoughts that I was able to stop and refuse its temptation? They were not thoughts that caused me to fall from grace or off the wagon, as some addicts would say. They didn’t disturb me, but were more of a nuisance by making me wonder, “where is THAT ludicrous thought coming from?” It was actually very strange.
So… even at 3.5 years post op, those old “habits” or “demons” whichever you choose to call them, do return. Or is it that they actually never left, but were lying dormant for a time that they would reveal themselves? Hmmm… I don’t know… It does remind me though that I am not beyond temptation. I still have struggles, have times of temptation, and the occasional “Hey! Buy a candy bar!” moments….
