After I lost all my weight and had plastic surgery, I felt wonderful. I spent a lot of money and time buying clothes. Some of those clothes I outgrew once I gained the 10% rebound weight (my lowest was 116 lbs and size 2, but then I gained up to 128 and a consistent size 4). This meant that my “forever” wardrobe (or so I thought) had to be given away because truth was, I wouldn’t be getting back into those tiny clothes.
Once again, I spent lots of money and racked up credit card debt just to look and FEEL fantastic about myself. I’m still paying on those credit cards! This is something so personal that I haven’t shared it with anyone. Though, those who know me won’t be surprised as they have observed my obsessive actions. But, when the depression started taking hold of my life, I resigned myself to baggy clothes. I had nothing “comfortable and baggy” so again, it meant shopping. I finally realized the spending HAD to quit and have done pretty well this past year. I shop Goodwill when I can and only buy things that I really need? Want. Yeah, I’m still working on the definition differences of those two words!
Spending always made me feel great. I got a real high out of finding clothes on sale as it excited me. Plus, I loved wearing new clothes and hearing people say “Oh how pretty”. After all, once the weight was gone… the NSV’s and WOW moments pretty much disappeared. I missed the feel good moments! And, I guess in a way tried to recreate that.
I actually have come to the place where I do need to update my wardrobe just a tad, get out of those baggy clothes for the betterment of my self esteem. So I started shopping again. I am trying to be very cautious and only pick up good quality basic pieces that will last and be versatile. Last night I picked up 3 new pairs of pants at New York & Company for just 14.99 each! And, I have purchased a few other pieces for my closet. I hope to get in there soon as de-clutter it so that I’m not overwhelmed by all the choices each morning (having to sort through stuff I will probably never wear again).
I must admit to you, though… It does feel great to bring bags out of the stores with new clothes and sale tags hanging off them. I find myself becoming obsessed, wanting to go several places to shop: Target, Walmart, Goodwill, the mall, TJ Maxx, Marshall’s… I leave most of those places with nothing, but my mind wanders, imagining all the wonderful finds that might be “just down the road at Ross, Steinmart, Kohl’s….” At some point though, I must practice restraint. Then I was reminded today on a message board about transfer addictions after weight loss surgery, and I know that I fight this one. The thing is, I have several collections of material possessions that I can add to:
Protein – powders, bars, ready to drinks. You name it, I probably have had it, want it, and will be get it.
Jewelry – we won’t even go there.
Clothes – new clothes, old clothes, consignment clothes, etc
Shoes – I’ve stopped this one though cause my foot has a problem and many shoes hurt my feet.
The point is, I strive to be happy, to maintain that “high” feeling that I used to get from food. Food surely does NOT do it for me in any way at all! So I go from one thing to another. At one point, it was blogging and I was obsessed with getting a new template and website. Now that I have those, my focus has turned and its a vicious cycle.
Food used to make me feel great. When I was sad, it comforted my tears. When I was lonely, it was my companion and never left me alone. When everyone had rejected me, food was always there to accept me back. When it went away, I thought I would be able to fill the void with something real and genuine. But, instead I’ve been trying to stuff things into the hole that lies in my heart.
I can identify with this addiction, although I was a spender BEFORE I lost my weight. I have ALWAYS lived beyond my means, but the chickens have come home to roost since Juan’s layoffs. We have had to literally and figuratively tighten the belt a few notches and, while it can be frustrating and scary sometimes, I realize that God is working on me so that, one day, when we are out of financial distress, I won’t go off and mortgage the farm again buying stuff I don’t need. I do run a lean, mean machine at home (and in my closet), but sometimes, the self-esteem takes a hit, and I want to throw in the towel. Unfortunately, I need new towels (ha ha), so I hold on and keep fighting the good fight. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I’d probably be right there with ya, if I weren’t poverty-stricken (in my own way)