If I had to account for the way I spent my weekend time, the words “mad” and “disappointed” come ot mind.  I’ve not blogged much lately about deep issues, but kind of kept things light, ”on the surface”, and avoided the feelings of my heart.  Yet, there are unresolved issues that probably need to be talked about.  Life just isn’t what I thought it would be.  Sometimes, it hands me disappointment and sadness (even though I try to push past it by being optimistic).  I’ve been experiencing both lately.  One is just overall depression that I cannot seem to rid myself of…  however there was an issue this weekend that gave me reason for being upset.

Friday was supposed to be a very special day.  It ended up being the pits.  It was exactly two years ago Friday that Tim & I met for the first time.  We spent five hours talking at Starbucks over a cup of coffee on July 10, 2007.  Tim’s not really one to celebrate dates or events, so a few weeks ago I decided not to bring it up, or expect to receive anything.  He and I did our normal Friday night ritual by meeting my best friend for supper.  We went to Longhorns.  And, the meal was almost over and he leans over to ask, “How did you enjoy your anniversary dinner?”  He thought I had forgot.  I actually DID forget BY CHOICE (because I didn’t want to get my hopes up only for them to be dashed).  Then I was upset with him because he did remember, then threw out the statement in a casual way and had planned nothing special.  So Friday  night at bedtime, he says “I take it that you did not receive your roses today?”  I asked, “What roses?”  It seems that he had ordred an arrangement of multi colored roses that morning and they were to be delivered by 2:00.  I never received them, and I left work at 3:40.  Now for one thing, I would have called him immediately AFTER getting flowers to say “Thank you”…  and second, I would have brought them home with me for the weekend… HAD I RECEIVED ROSES, that is.  But, Melinda did not receive anything.

I stewed (AND BREWED) all weekend over this.  My Friday had been horrible, I felt that he hadn’t done anything special, and then to find that I did have roses and they were probably at work sitting on my desk the entire weekend!  Whats more, he did not even call the florist on Saturday and demand that they make it right, or at least find out where my flowers ended up!  So the steam just kept building…  until Saturday I went to bed at 8:00 pm, and woke up at 10:30 when he came to bed. I didn’t even want to be in the same house with him, I was fuming.  So I texted my best friend and asked, “Can I come stay all night?”  I drove 20 minutes down the road, it was around 11 pm when I got there.  We talked awhile, and then I slept with my precious little Furbaby, Kobe (pomeranian).  Dogs provide such unconditional love.  Whenever I am sad or down, my little furbaby makes it alright.  He’s the one male living being that I can always depend on!

Sunday morning I drove home about 7 am.  I was still fuming mad.  I don’t know really if it was all about the flowers.  Honestly, there is a deep disapointment that has stuck in my heart.  And as each special occasion comes and goes, a knife twists and turns, cutting a little more each time.  Tim has no intentions of ever getting married again.  I’ve tried to resolve myself to this fact, but am unable to do it.  He says that divorce is a pain that he never wants to experience again, and that I am too naive to understand.  This causes me to have feelings of resentment towards him (because I feel he doesn’t love me “enough to marry me”)…  and myself (because I compromise my desires and may never see my dreams come true).  I’ve tried numerous occasions to come to terms.  I feel very sad, and torn.  And there are also things I try to verbalize, but the words never seem to come out in a way he can understand…  or maybe he just only sees it his way and he does not want to understand.  I’m confused as to what my conclusion is…  But for now I’m putting off dealing with it until another day.  So next special occasion, it will be “same story, different day.”

Here it is Monday morning…  and what to my eyes did appear?  An arrangement of roses which had been sitting on my desk the entire weekend!  All the more reason to fume…  but at least I was able to channel a little bit of frustration with a phone call to the Florist.  Upon a little closer examination, looks like these flowers have been “dethorned”…  so why does it feel like the thorns have pricked my heart so bad til it bleeds?

EVERY single day, upon leaving work, I call Tim’s cell phone.  I don’t need a reason to call.  I just miss him and want to see what he is doing.  Is he at home?  Did I get any packages? (OK that is a BIG reason I call)  How is Missy (the dog)?  How was his day at work?  Did I get any packages?  What are we doing for supper?  Did I get any mail?  And, did I get any packages? 

Yesterday late in the day I was wrapping things up in preparation to leave for the day.  The phone rang, and I have caller ID so I knew it was him.  What a nice suprise, my honey calling ME instead of ME calling him!  He wanted to know what our plans were for the evening.  I inquired if there was something he had in mind, and he sounded kind of sneaky.  “I have something planned if we are not going anywhere.”  My mind immediatelly started thinking, “OK, is he planning on cooking me supper?  Is he ordering out?  What’s going on?”  Of course, being a woman, I MUST know what on earth it is that he is talking about!  How can I answer his question if I don’t know what he has in mind?  Finally he said that he was putting the recessed lights into the kitchen.  Immediately I responded, “Then we are staying home tonight!”

Back when we were remodeling, the kitchen didn’t get much work.  It was painted and had a new ceiling fan.  That is it!  However, the ceiling fan’s light is very poor lighting.  And, it casts shadows upwards on the ceiling instead of cascading down into the room to provide light.  I hate the light kit, and so does Tim…  the fans, however, are very lovely and look fabulous in my kitchen.  They are black with silver, and match my kitchen cabinets that are also painted black.  So Tim worked extra hard last night in order to get the recessed lights put in…  and I got to help… more or less, I stood with a trash can to catch the ceiling drywall and the dust as he drilled out the holes for the light kit thingy (pictured above).  And there were times he had to get up in the attic, at which points I could hear profanities muffled through the ceiling!!  He was determined…  And finally, later he came into the den and said, “I’m done; want to come check it out?”  LIGHT!  GLORIOUS LIGHT!  SPRINGING DOWN FROM HEAVEN ABOVE!  I could hear the Hallelujah Chorus in my head as I ooed and ahhed over my newly lit kitchen. 

I think I have the best boyfriend in the entire world. 

Yesterday was my second Valentine’s Day to have a sweetheart. 

It as also my second Valentine’s Day with Tim.  I am happy to say that both celebratory events are shared with the same person.  We had been planning a “double date day trip” for a number of weeks.  We decided it would be great to visit a local winery, take a tour, do some wine tasting and then go to our favorite restaurant.  (Can ya guess where that would be?  Yes, Longhorn Steakhouse!)  

Outfit:  Check.   I had some difficulties finding the pants that I was going to wear.  Running around the house, I was screaming “Tim, help me!  I can’t find my pants!”  He came in with the deer in the headlights look, as if to say “uhhh what?”  “Help me find my pants!”  I explain briefly what they look like, continue to search frantically, and he shows up again in the doorway.  He hands me something that resembles my pants…  only, they are a pair of black tights.  “NO, that’s not it!”  Back to frantic state of mind!  After 30 minutes of hanging up every single piece of clothing that was laundered, hoping that to sort through the clean laundry and bringing order to chaos would mean finding my pants, I still had nothing.  I went back to the same location three times of where I remembered putting them.  On the fourth time, I felt around on the shelf in the closet behind some shoes because it was so dark.  And there they were!

Hair:  Check.  Then I decided to hot roll my hair.  I looked like Shirley Temple.  The curls were bobbing out the side of my head, and all I could think was “Please dear Lord, do not let Jenn & Brian show up anytime soon!”  I grabbed the hair goopy greasy stuff and started smoothing, stretching, then the large curling iron got sent through to straighten it a tad.  

Jewelry:  Check.  I stepped in front of my jewelry box to find a matching necklace/earring set for my outfit.  Tim came from behind me and said before I picked out anything…  and handed me a black velvet jewelry box.  He gave me an early Valentine’s Day present a few weeks ago:  a generous order to Netrition for lots of protein and low carb products.  There was a beautiful necklace and earring set inside, and he helped me put them on.  It went perfect with my outfit. 

The day was terrific.  Jenn brought along some chocolate covered strawberries for our drive to/from the winery.  She used sugar free Valor dark chocolate.  It was fantastico!  I must admit, I tested about 6 or 7 different wines.  Now I am not talking about a fourth of a glass of each.  I am talking about a small sip of this glass, a small sip of another…  and the rest was poured out into a barrell they had nearby.  Now you must remember that due to the quick absorption of alcohol in gastric bypass patients, it is very easy to get a little tipsy from liquor.  Or if your not careful, just plain drunk.  Well, needless to say, those sips made me a little whirlyesh.  I felt light headed and made certain to hold on to Tim!  He thought that was just hilarious!  There was a small bowl of chocolate samples and I chose a tiny one, about the size of a plain M&M.  It melted in my mouth and I declared it had to be the best chocolate I ever enjoyed!  

We chose a bottle of blackberry wine for purchase and went on our way…  these were the highlights of our day.  I had a sense of awe and wonder of how happy my life is this year compared to years past.  I did have one downer moment but I will share that in another post.

Last week was PMS week.  You know how that goes…I thought perhaps my boss would call me in and say “The staff has been complaining…” because I was just THAT GOSH DARN MEAN!  Luckily, they all work away from my main office so I’m left alone the majority of the day!  They aren’t around to get the meanness….!  But today I was very surprised.  Our team leader and director had a Christmas breakfast for all the staff.  I found a card on my desk from two co-workers.  It had a $25 gift card to Home Depot.  That was so thoughtful.  They were thanking me for all the hard work.

Then, at the breakfast, the staff presented me with another card.  Inside, there was a $50 Target gift card, $25 Home Depot, and another Home Depot for $50.  I told the staff that I figured it would have been a pink slip, not a reward!  It was a very nice surprise.  And, I sure can think of a lot of things to buy at Home Depot!!