Thursday Jul 29

Posts Tagged ‘addictions’

Mar
31/10
I Ain’t Perfect, For Sure
Last Updated on Wednesday, 31 March 2010 02:29
Written by Melinda
Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

Pre weight loss surgery shopping days used to go something like this:

  • Leave house in the morning, stop at McDonald’s for a sausage egg mcmuffin with cheese (2), a coke and hash browns
  • Visit store of my choice to look for items
  • Grab a candy bar on the way out of the check out line
  • Visit next store of my choice to look for more items
  • Stop at the snack bar for a pretzel
  • Go to the local fast food restaurant that had my favorite dessert
  • Do more shopping
  • Time for lunch!  Drive through fast food joint and sit in the car to eat OR go to Sonic where I could sit in my car (alone)

The day usually ended with a disgusted feeling as I either saw someone thin and pretty, and it made me wish I could be that way too.  Or, I was frustrated that none of the “pretty clothes” fit me!  There was one thing I could always count on:  that was food (anywhere, everywhere).  I didn’t have to fit into anything, or look a certain way.  Food was always accessible and made me feel good.  Overall, food and shopping always went hand in hand. (I grabbed this pic off Photobucket…  a girl eating in a car alone…  happy)

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve done some major shopping for my wardrobe.  But as spring arrives, and I’m trying to remake my fashion sense over, I’ve been on a mission visiting every store I can think of during the past few weeks.  A funny thing occurred.  As I was leaving a store, the thought came to mind, “Why don’t you stop over at Chick-Fil-A for something to eat?”  Immediately, my response was “I don’t want to do that.  They don’t have much healthy for me.”  Then another thought:  “But Tim won’t know.”  What?   Where in the world did that come from?

I gave it some thought and posted about it on BTV.  The title of the thread was “Old Demons DO Return”.  I thought that perhaps it was those past demons that were lurking and finding a moment of weakness to tempt me.    But…  maybe it wasn’t quite that serious.  What if it was just the familiarity of shopping and along with it came an old habit?  Perhaps it was just…   a habit!

So at Monday’s therapy session…  I posed the question to the counselor.  He asked me several questions to find out if these thoughts were luring me in to actions that I did not want to commit and regretted later.  Or, were they just thoughts that I was able to stop and refuse its temptation?  They were not thoughts that caused me to fall from grace or off the wagon, as some addicts would say.  They didn’t disturb me, but were more of a nuisance by making me wonder, “where is THAT ludicrous thought coming from?” It was actually very strange.

So…  even at 3.5 years post op, those old “habits” or “demons” whichever you choose to call them, do return.  Or is it that they actually never left, but were lying dormant for a time that they would reveal themselves?  Hmmm…  I don’t know…  It does remind me though that I am not beyond temptation.  I still have struggles, have times of temptation, and the occasional “Hey!  Buy a candy bar!” moments….

Tags: , , ,   |  Posted under Blah, Blah, Blog  |  Comments  No Comments
Mar
15/10
Liquid Courage
Last Updated on Monday, 15 March 2010 01:08
Written by Melinda
Monday, March 15th, 2010

Saturday I met a group of wls friends at TGIFriday’s.  I LOVE this place, and it seems that I can only go there when our “Lunch Bunch” decides to meet there for a monthly gathering.  Tim doesn’t care for it so any other time I ask to go, the answer is always NO.  My favorite thing to order is the parmesan encrusted chicken with three cheese ravioli, and a side of tomatoes and mozarella cheese.  Yummy!  I always take full advantage of lunch bunch meetings at TGIFridays!

There was a pretty big turnout this month as one of our “veterans” is moving away.  We took up money and signed a card, and then presented Paula with it.  I’ll miss her because she is one of the folks who helped me the most after my surgery.  She taught me some great protein recipes and is one of the great minds behind the first PROTEIN INTERVENTION (when my protein levels were so low that I was malnourished).  I owe quite a bit to her.

Now let me just shift here for a moment to say that we had some new folks join us.  We met at 1:00 in the afternoon, and one of the individuals ordered a glass of wine.  “This could get interesting” I said to my friend, Steve.  “Why?” he asked.  “Because she is drinking a glass of wine.”  After all, an RNY patient and alcohol do NOT mix!

I noticed that it took one glass for her to start slurring words.  Two glasses made her so at ease that she started laughing and visiting with everyone around her.  Three glasses and she was throwing pieces of napkins across the room and raising her voice in squeals of delight.  Before it was over (the luncheon, that is), the person ordered a total of 4 glasses of wine and a shot.  Each time I looked up at her (which was often) she had a wine glass to her lips, NOT a knife or fork.  I  don’t even know if she ate while there.

Now to normal NON wls folks, the question is “So what?  So she had 4 glasses of wine and a shot of alcohol?  Big deal.  I do that sometimes.”  All of you weight loss surgery patients already see a problem here.   Seems that many of us deal with a variety of addictions either pre- or post- surgery.  And addiction comes in many forms.   It’s not the first time our group has been witness to the demonization of alcohol.   As one Facebook reader commented, it is possible that this person was a drinker prior to their surgery.  But at POST RNY, 1:00 in the afternoon, avoiding food to drink, and drinking among support group peers to the point of total intoxication?  I see a problem.

But, this post isn’t specifically to recount a story of “some lady” at a luncheon.  I tell this story to talk about my own addictions, and how I could very easily be a person with an alcohol addiction.  I had a life altering procedure that hinders my ability to intake and even enjoy volumes of food – - something which previously gave me much comfort and peace.  For a recovering food addict like myself, (aka Recovering Fatty) this leaves a hole to be filled.  The question is, WITH WHAT DO I FILL THE HOLE?

Sometimes, I’ve used shopping to fill the void.  I ran up mounds of credit card debt which I am just now getting control of.  I’ve been a compulsive hoarder of “collections” of things.  I STILL continue to look to food as a comfort as made evident by my cabinets which are filled with every type of protein imaginable.  It was in a therapy session a few weeks ago that I realized my food addiction swapped from ENDULGING/EATING the food to COLLECTING/HOARDING food.  But it is still a food addiction.  Food STILL brings me great comfort and I feel safe in having it within my reach, even though I rarely consume the mass volumes that I collect.

There’s a reason I was obese.  It wasn’t JUST because I liked food.  It wasn’t JUST because I didn’t exercise.  It wasn’t JUST because I ate the wrong types of food.  It was because I had emotional difficulties and leaned upon food as my friend and comfort.  It was a faithful companion.  But what happens when suddenly, I divorced food and was not able to continue my love affair with it?  I was forced to find other friends, and not all of them are healthy, as made evident by the person at the gathering Saturday who drank herself to “happy and jovial”.  Perhaps she needed the courage to meet new people, and resorted to the liquid courage of alcohol.  Or, maybe I’m making assumptions and she doesn’t have a problem with alcohol at all.  But nevertheless…  I won’t judge because I’m guilty.  It’s just that my new friends came in various sizes and shapes than hers.

Tags: ,   |  Posted under Reality Check  |  Comments  5 Comments
Mar
09/10
OCD, Transfer Addictions
Last Updated on Tuesday, 9 March 2010 12:49
Written by Melinda
Tuesday, March 9th, 2010

After I lost all my weight and had plastic surgery, I felt wonderful.  I spent a lot of money and time buying clothes.  Some of those clothes I outgrew once I gained the 10% rebound weight (my lowest was 116 lbs and size 2, but then I gained up to 128 and a consistent size 4).  This meant that my “forever” wardrobe (or so I thought) had to be given away because truth was, I wouldn’t be getting back into those tiny clothes.

Once again, I spent lots of money and racked up credit card debt just to look and FEEL fantastic about myself.  I’m still paying on those credit cards!  This is something so personal that I haven’t shared it with anyone.  Though, those who know me won’t be surprised as they have observed my obsessive actions.  But, when the depression started taking hold of my life, I resigned myself to baggy clothes.  I had nothing “comfortable and baggy” so again, it meant shopping.  I finally realized the spending HAD to quit and have done pretty well this past year.  I shop Goodwill when I can and only buy things that I really need?  Want.  Yeah, I’m still working on the definition differences of those two words!

Spending always made me feel great.  I got a real high out of finding clothes on sale as it excited me.  Plus, I loved wearing new clothes and hearing people say “Oh how pretty”.  After all, once the weight was gone…  the NSV’s and WOW moments pretty much disappeared.  I missed the feel good moments!  And, I guess in a way tried to recreate that.

I actually have come to the place where I do need to update my wardrobe just a tad, get out of those baggy clothes for the betterment of my self esteem.  So I started shopping again.  I am trying to be very cautious and only pick up good quality basic pieces that will last and be versatile.  Last night I picked up 3 new pairs of pants at New York & Company for just 14.99 each!  And, I have purchased a few other pieces for my closet.  I hope to get in there soon as de-clutter it so that I’m not overwhelmed by all the choices each morning (having to sort through stuff I will probably never wear again).

I must admit to you, though…  It does feel great to bring bags out of the stores with new clothes and sale tags hanging off them.  I find myself becoming obsessed, wanting to go several places to shop:  Target, Walmart, Goodwill, the mall, TJ Maxx, Marshall’s…  I leave most of those places with nothing, but my mind wanders, imagining all the wonderful finds that might be “just down the road at Ross, Steinmart, Kohl’s….”  At some point though, I must practice restraint.  Then I was reminded today on a message board about transfer addictions after weight loss surgery, and I know that I fight this one.  The thing is, I have several collections of material possessions that I can add to:

Protein – powders, bars, ready to drinks.  You name it, I probably have had it, want it, and will be get it.

Jewelry – we won’t even go there.

Clothes – new clothes, old clothes, consignment clothes, etc

Shoes – I’ve stopped this one though cause my foot has a problem and many shoes hurt my feet.

The point is, I strive to be happy, to maintain that “high” feeling that I used to get from food.  Food surely does NOT do it for me in any way at all!  So I go from one thing to another.  At one point, it was blogging and I was obsessed with getting a new template and website.  Now that I have those, my focus has turned and its a vicious cycle.

Food used to make me feel great.  When I was sad, it comforted my tears.  When I was lonely, it was my companion and never left me alone.  When everyone had rejected me, food was always there to accept me back.  When it went away, I thought I would be able to fill the void with something real and genuine.  But, instead I’ve been trying to stuff things into the hole that lies in my heart.

Tags: ,   |  Posted under Blah, Blah, Blog  |  Comments  1 Comment