Last Updated on Tuesday, 5 January 2010 08:43
Written by Melinda
Friday, January 16th, 2009
Last night I received a phone call from a wls friend whom I have not seen or talked to in months. We were talking about our progress, bumps in the road, emotional issues, weight highs and lows, those sorts of things. At some point the conversation took a turn and we discussed self image, and how even though we had lost many pounds, we still “felt fat.” Inside, we were still those obese women while on the outside, we were thin… TOO THIN. I didn’t see it when it occurred. My mom did. There is a picture I keep in my purse of me at my smallest weight (116 lbs). It’s still on my Obesity Help avatar. I remember when I saw the picture, for the first time I thought, “Now I look pretty good. I actually do not appear to be overweight.” When my mother saw the picture on my website, she called me and in near tears said, “Oh Melinda… you look so frail… your wrists are so thin.” I did not see what my mother saw. I thought she was overreacting!
My friend last night shared some of her experiences. After a serious surgery (not related to gastric bypass) to correct a neck problem, she spent two months in the hospital. She lost so much weight, unable to eat the doctors put her on a feeding tube. And, later they had her on an ALL CARB DIET. Yes, you read that right. AN ALL CARB DIET! They were very afraid for her as her weight dwindled to a mere 98 pounds! She could not look into a mirror because she was confined to a hospital bed. And any mirror that she looked in would only be a hand held mirror, not a full length mirror where she could see her complete body.
She spoke things that were very familiar to me. “I’ve been overweight all my life. At 98 pounds, I still felt HUGE.” Even though this beautiful young woman was a mere 98 pounds, she still FELT huge?! Her self image or portrait was skewed. On the outside, she was withering away to a skeletal being but on the inside she was morbidly obese and continued to think like a morbidly obese individual. Friends, family members, and healthcare staff were concerned because of her medically induced anorexia which caused her to be so thin.
The time came for her to return home. A friend of hers purchased a FULL length mirror and presented it with this statement: ““I want you to be able to see what everyone else sees.” One day she tried on a new dress which she described as “low cut, form fitting” that she would have never been able to wear in her past. As she stood before the mirror, for the first time, she saw what everyone else had already seen. She counted every single rib on both sides. Her journey then took a different turn in the road as she worked towards a new goal: GAIN WEIGHT. She is healthy now, maintaining a wonderful goal weight.
How I could relate to my friend’s story. My thoughts went immediately back to the picture of myself at the thinnest weight of 116. While at that weight, I had a kidney stone resulting in an emergency room visit. As I lay on the stretcher, I voiced concerns to my boyfriend that should I ever really get sick, my body had no fat to live on. I grew afraid. It took about a year to become comfortable with regaining to a healthier standard. I can now look at the “thin picture” and admit that while skinny, I still saw my former fat self.
I share these things because they are normal feelings for a weight loss surgery patient.
My therapist once showed me a picture on the front of a weight loss surgery book. It was of a thin woman standing in front of a mirror, much like my friend at her full length mirror. Reality showed she was a thin woman. But the reflection staring back at her in the mirror was an obese person. Mentality showed that she was still an overweight individual. REALITY VERSUS MENTALITY… now that makes for a wonderful conversation! The therapist shared that it often takes two, often three years for a weight loss surgery patient to realize (the words above: FEEL; SEE; THINK) that they are no longer obese, but thin. I wanted to share these thoughts with you today to help you not feel so alone in your struggles. Other weight loss surgery patients (probably MOST) endure these same hardships as well.
It is my hope that you would not feel ashamed, embarrassed, or alone in your struggles. I urge you to seek the guidance of a counselor as it will help tremendously.
Last night at supper (Longhorn’s), I was talking to Tim about another female weight loss surgery patient. I admitted that I wish I had her stomach cause it was flatter than mine. Then I said, “BUT, my legs are smaller than hers!”
