Wednesday Mar 10

Posts Tagged ‘reality vs mentality’

Apr
23/09
Facing the Fear
Last Updated on Thursday, 7 January 2010 08:09
Written by Melinda
Thursday, April 23rd, 2009

This post has been a long time in the thought processes of my mind.  I’ve alluded to it, often times tried to voice it, yet really never felt as if I actually came right out and said what was bothering me.  Until, last night when Tim took my picture and I looked really hard at it.  But let’s backtrack:

Highest weight:  251 lbs  /  Lowest weight:  116 lbs  /  Current weight:  127-133 lbs depending

So oh my gosh.  I’ve gained weight!  Yes I’ve told you that time and again.  But have I ever really shared HOW that has made me feel?  I read a post from a woman today who is no longer at her goal/lowest weight ever.  She’s gained.  She’s had some setbacks, some from health issues, medications, and some due to her eating tendencies.  I felt in many ways that I was reading some of my own thoughts from this past year.  Yet, it also made me sad for this woman.  She felt like such a failure.  I felt like such a failure.  She could not stand to look at herself in a mirror.  I could not stand to look at myself in a mirror.  She has eluded support forum posting.  I have eluded support forum posting.  I have also eluded my support group locally by not attending lunches and dinners together.   And when I do meet people out who are also wls patients, I often wonder, “Do they see that I have gained weight?  I’m not as small or thin as I used to be.”  It makes me have a real identity crisis.  I’m not “the smallest in the group” anymore.  I liked being the smallest.  I liked being the thinnest.  I liked being thin.  I liked feeling thin and pretty.  I hate feeling fat.  I hate feeling huge.  I hate feeling failure.

Now you may be asking, Then why don’t you just lose some weight?  I have tried!  I have cut back on carbs, calories, upped my exercise, increased protein intake, oh Lord you name it!  That’s one thing I do know:  how to lose weight!  But my body just does not want to cooperate!  In the past 4 weeks, I have lost ONE lb.  ONE, as in O-N-E.  It is frustrating!  But it does not make me give up.  I continue to press forward in my efforts…  continue doing what is best for my body….  after all, that is what will keep me on track and healthy.

But those are all things that I have just crammed into the back of my mind this past year.  I stomped them far down inside and refused to actually VOICE them…  or say them aloud.  No one wants to hear this kind of stuff.  It brings out the fear in THEM too.  And, I think that they want to admit these are some of the same thoughts that they too have, but unwilling to come clean!   At times, I wanted to say it aloud just as this woman did today…  yet feared someone would say “you need a therapist” or “you have issues.”  Well woo friggin hoo.  Thanks for sharing that tip with me, as if I didn’t already know it!  I mean, come on.  I was morbidly obese.  I got that way somehow!  There had to be underlying ‘ISSUES’!  But guess what?  I’ve been to therapy! Sometimes I still go…  I used to work for therapists.  I know song and dances.  But you know what?  It’s like when you were a kid and were scared of the dark…  even after you are no longer afraid of the Boogie Man, he still comes back from time to time and TRIES to scare you!  Even though we deal with our “issues”, and we learn how to “deal with them”, sometimes they still rear their ugly demonic heads and try to intimidate or overcome us.

Day after day, week after week…  I get up out of bed, I face myself in the mirror…  today might be a great feeling day.  It might be a “I feel and look fat” day.  These come and these go.  But I do my best to deal with what I have…  push through another day…  strive for tomorrow to be a better one… and continue walking day by day on this journey.  I have said it many times.  This journey is not for those who are faint hearted.  Those who are faint, I wonder if they stopped by the wayside long ago…  and are back there sitting on a fence post all alone…  or with other faint hearted folks near them.  But, those with perseverance put one foot in front of another… even though circumstances or thoughts may provide a message that it would be best to just give up…  and as one foot is placed forward, the individual believes that they are one step closer towards a brighter day… a  brighter future…

Last week I attended a support group luncheon.  It felt good to sit among friends.  I knew I had gained.  But you know what?  They didn’t care.  Or at least, they didn’t act like they cared.  They didn’t say “Hey, getting a little thick around the midsection, aren’t ya?”  All the things I feared didn’t come true.  Instead, after the meeting I was able to openly talk about some of my fears with a dear friend of mine…  and there was no judgment.  Just kind love and caring concern…  and the general overall feeling that we’re in this together…  we understand how one another feels.  And, that day by day we are recovering, getting better, learning how to be healthier in all aspects of this journey…

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Jan
16/09
Reality Vs Mentality
Last Updated on Tuesday, 5 January 2010 08:43
Written by Melinda
Friday, January 16th, 2009

Last night I received a phone call from a wls friend whom I have not seen or talked to in months. We were talking about our progress, bumps in the road, emotional issues, weight highs and lows, those sorts of things. At some point the conversation took a turn and we discussed self image, and how even though we had lost many pounds, we still “felt fat.” Inside, we were still those obese women while on the outside, we were thin… TOO THIN. I didn’t see it when it occurred. My mom did. There is a picture I keep in my purse of me at my smallest weight (116 lbs). It’s still on my Obesity Help avatar. I remember when I saw the picture, for the first time I thought, “Now I look pretty good. I actually do not appear to be overweight.” When my mother saw the picture on my website, she called me and in near tears said, “Oh Melinda… you look so frail… your wrists are so thin.” I did not see what my mother saw. I thought she was overreacting!

My friend last night shared some of her experiences. After a serious surgery (not related to gastric bypass) to correct a neck problem, she spent two months in the hospital. She lost so much weight, unable to eat the doctors put her on a feeding tube. And, later they had her on an ALL CARB DIET. Yes, you read that right. AN ALL CARB DIET! They were very afraid for her as her weight dwindled to a mere 98 pounds! She could not look into a mirror because she was confined to a hospital bed. And any mirror that she looked in would only be a hand held mirror, not a full length mirror where she could see her complete body.

She spoke things that were very familiar to me. “I’ve been overweight all my life. At 98 pounds, I still felt HUGE.” Even though this beautiful young woman was a mere 98 pounds, she still FELT huge?! Her self image or portrait was skewed. On the outside, she was withering away to a skeletal being but on the inside she was morbidly obese and continued to think like a morbidly obese individual. Friends, family members, and healthcare staff were concerned because of her medically induced anorexia which caused her to be so thin.

The time came for her to return home. A friend of hers purchased a FULL length mirror and presented it with this statement: ““I want you to be able to see what everyone else sees.”  One day she tried on a new dress which she described as “low cut, form fitting” that she would have never been able to wear in her past. As she stood before the mirror, for the first time, she saw what everyone else had already seen. She counted every single rib on both sides. Her journey then took a different turn in the road as she worked towards a new goal: GAIN WEIGHT. She is healthy now, maintaining a wonderful goal weight.

How I could relate to my friend’s story. My thoughts went immediately back to the picture of myself at the thinnest weight of 116. While at that weight, I had a kidney stone resulting in an emergency room visit. As I lay on the stretcher, I voiced concerns to my boyfriend that should I ever really get sick, my body had no fat to live on. I grew afraid. It took about a year to become comfortable with regaining to a healthier standard. I can now look at the “thin picture” and admit that while skinny, I still saw my former fat self.

I share these things because they are normal feelings for a weight loss surgery patient.

  • “I still FEEL fat.”
  • “I look in the mirror and all I SEE is fat.”
  • “I still THINK like a fat person.”

My therapist once showed me a picture on the front of a weight loss surgery book. It was of a thin woman standing in front of a mirror, much like my friend at her full length mirror. Reality showed she was a thin woman. But the reflection staring back at her in the mirror was an obese person. Mentality showed that she was still an overweight individual. REALITY VERSUS MENTALITY… now that makes for a wonderful conversation! The therapist shared that it often takes two, often three years for a weight loss surgery patient to realize (the words above: FEEL; SEE; THINK) that they are no longer obese, but thin. I wanted to share these thoughts with you today to help you not feel so alone in your struggles. Other weight loss surgery patients (probably MOST) endure these same hardships as well.

It is my hope that you would not feel ashamed, embarrassed, or alone in your struggles.  I urge you to seek the guidance of a counselor as it will help tremendously.

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Jul
24/08
I GAINED weight!
Last Updated on Tuesday, 5 January 2010 08:48
Written by Melinda
Thursday, July 24th, 2008

I’m 5′4. I was 251 lbs when I started this journey. Lord, I lived a lie so many years. It’s a good thing those sins are cast into the sea of forgetfulness cause I told people all my obese years that I was big boned. I never knew, and who else knew, I had a tiny bone structure???  (I should have known since at birth I weighed 5 lbs, 4 ozs. but how could I remember)  So does that count as a sin if I was ignorant and told lies? Hmmm there is a moral dilemma that we may never answer!

My lowest weight was 116 lbs. As I lay in the emergency room bed during last year’s kidney stone attack, I felt afraid for the first time that my weight might be too low. Now keep in mind that when I looked into the mirror, I still saw Fat Melinda. Skinny Melinda was still coming around very slowly in my mind’s eye, but for the most part, I was still that good ole girl who weighed 251. So as I laid there on the hospital gurney, I thought “If I were to get sick, Lord forbid, but if I did, I have no body fat to live on.” I told Tim that day in the room that I was scared and needed to gain some weight. Who on earth says that after losing so much?

The scales continued to be my god until just a few months ago… each day whether I was happy or sad in my journey was determined by the magic number. 118, 119, 123, 121, 118, up and down up and down. I knew that if it ever got up to 125, oh my heavens! We would surely have a major catastrophe on our hands! And then we must surely break out the protein shakes for a major 3 day liquid protein train!

Recently, my weight has shifted from 121 as the low, 125 as the high. Once when I was VERY constipated, it was 127. OH Heavens! But I was ok. I was calm.. I was not worried. I felt great. I even like my bumps and curves. I like my new blue jeans. I like my clothes fitting well now. I don’t have gaps in the backs of my pants at the band because they actually FIT good.

Why do I share this? Because I want you to know that sometimes things swing the other direction. We can actually lose a little too much and need to gain a little. I am right in the center of where my bmi needs to be for healthy. Before it was on the low side. Not unhealthy, just low. But now my head has mostly caught up with my body and I can almost see myself as thin… at times I don’t FEEL thin but that’s another story entirely!

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