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Posts Tagged ‘reality vs mentality’

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May
20/10
All Smiles – On the Outside
Last Updated on Thursday, 20 May 2010 02:09
Written by Melinda
Thursday, May 20th, 2010

Last night at supper (Longhorn’s), I was talking to Tim about another female weight loss surgery patient.  I admitted that I wish I had her stomach cause it was flatter than mine.  Then I said, “BUT, my legs are smaller than hers!”

He looked at me and said, “You would be much happier if you stopped comparing yourself to others.”

Patinggggg!  Boy, that was like a bullet right between the eyes!  I asked, “Do I compare myself a lot?”  And he said, “YES.”

I gave this some more thought.  He’s right.  I am always sizing someone else up (ladies, you know how we are…  eyeing other women up and down to measure up the competition…  see what they have that I don’t, and see what I have that they don’t).  I hate it when others do it to me!!  Either way (whether being the size-ee or the size -er upper) it always leaves me feeling a bit “lacking” in some department.  Did that make sense?

And, now that I’m not the smallest person in our weight loss surgery ranks, I don’t like it!  I used to feel so proud that I was the smallest, as if I had gone farther than the rest.  HEY! Don’t judge me…  this is just a normal feeling!  I’m sure there are others who could admit the same thing, but won’t because they are afraid or embarrassed (or ashamed of themselves).  I’m not going to lie.  I loved the attention and it made my day, gave me some happiness especially if I was having a depressed day.

Another thing of which I have been incredibly guilty of is asking Tim “Is that women bigger than me?”  Or, “Am I about her size?”  Why do we do that to ourselves?  Looking at someone else and comparing what we have/don’t have does not bring lasting acceptance or fulfillment.  Heck, it doesn’t even bring a good feeling for more than 10 seconds!

I am going to give this some more consideration because I think Tim is right.  If I were to just learn to accept myself…  AS IS…  I did end the conversation with this statement:  “I haven’t learned to accept myself yet.”

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Apr
13/10
Size 10 – Liberating?
Last Updated on Tuesday, 13 April 2010 08:34
Written by Melinda
Tuesday, April 13th, 2010

Tim had to travel to Atlanta this week for an OSHA refresher course.  I told him last week, “I’m going to be so lonely when you are gone.  I think that you should give me some shopping money…  shopping would really take my mind off things…”   He said he’d think about it…  and maybe I would get some money under my pillow (the shopping fairy?).

So yesterday morning, I was so tired and forgot to look under my pillow!  It was “business as usual” – morning routines to get ready for work.  I flipped the light on in the main bath so that I could dry my hair and put makeup on…  what did I find taped to my mirror?  A fan shaped, 5 bill pile…  I counted mentally, “One, two, three, four, five…  Oh, Tim gave me $100!”  But it took me a minute to realize…  those were not 20’s.  They were 100’s.  I had 5 – $100 bills!  I was so excited, just couldn’t stand myself.

Yesterday I went home from work sick because of cramps.  Ick.  Normally, my cramps for that time of month arrive on Saturday every month…  but last dose, I accidentally put the patch on a day or two late.  That meant it pushed my cycle back a few days.  *Note to self:  Thursdays should always REMAIN the day to put on a birth control patch so that I don’t have to miss work.

Later in the evening, 7:00 pm, I decided to run to Ross Dress For Less.  While there, I ran into a friend who was trying to find a dress for a dinner party.  She showed me her selections, and told me that she had a size 10 dress.  “You’re not a size 10! You’re a 4!” I exclaimed.  She showed me some of the styles of dresses, and how small they were, even though the labels say 10.  The material is stretchy for one thing…  so it has quite a bit of give.  She went off to the dressing room, and I was on my way to the check out with a belt. Next thing I know, I found myself standing in the size 8 – 10 dresses browsing around.

This is a good time to interject that in the past, I have REFUSED to even glance “that way” on the size 8s!  Anything greater than 6 would not have gained my attention.  After all, I didn’t lose 135 lbs to buy a size 8 or 10 dress…  not when my frame can get into a 4 or 6.  That would be… backsliding!  BUT, since I had a brand new pair of beautiful gold shoes that I purchases this weekend…  and there was nothing compatible in 4s and 6s…  hmmmm, why not at least TRY some of those 8s and 10s on?

I made my way to the dressing room with a pile.  I tried on one dress, size 10.  I yelled for my friend to come look.  She said, “You need a shorter dress.”  So I tried on dress #2, a sleeveless V-neck and V-back with black ruffles down the front and the V-section was in a gold, brown, black design.  Oh, it fit like a beauty!  I loved it…  and when I came out, she said, “You have to buy that dress!”

So I made my way out of Ross Dress for Less with a $14.99 brand name garment (yay!) that was stylish, sexy, and yes…  a size 10.  But, somehow that size 10 dress liberated me from feelings of fear and the refusal to attempt something new.  I like my size 10 dress.  (Now, if I had NEEDED a size 10 dress…  THAT would have shaken my world).

Note:  the picture above is the style of my dress.  But, below the V where the ruffles are, my dress is all black.  And, the V material is a pattern of gold, brown, and black.

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Mar
31/10
I Ain’t Perfect, For Sure
Last Updated on Wednesday, 31 March 2010 02:29
Written by Melinda
Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

Pre weight loss surgery shopping days used to go something like this:

  • Leave house in the morning, stop at McDonald’s for a sausage egg mcmuffin with cheese (2), a coke and hash browns
  • Visit store of my choice to look for items
  • Grab a candy bar on the way out of the check out line
  • Visit next store of my choice to look for more items
  • Stop at the snack bar for a pretzel
  • Go to the local fast food restaurant that had my favorite dessert
  • Do more shopping
  • Time for lunch!  Drive through fast food joint and sit in the car to eat OR go to Sonic where I could sit in my car (alone)

The day usually ended with a disgusted feeling as I either saw someone thin and pretty, and it made me wish I could be that way too.  Or, I was frustrated that none of the “pretty clothes” fit me!  There was one thing I could always count on:  that was food (anywhere, everywhere).  I didn’t have to fit into anything, or look a certain way.  Food was always accessible and made me feel good.  Overall, food and shopping always went hand in hand. (I grabbed this pic off Photobucket…  a girl eating in a car alone…  happy)

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve done some major shopping for my wardrobe.  But as spring arrives, and I’m trying to remake my fashion sense over, I’ve been on a mission visiting every store I can think of during the past few weeks.  A funny thing occurred.  As I was leaving a store, the thought came to mind, “Why don’t you stop over at Chick-Fil-A for something to eat?”  Immediately, my response was “I don’t want to do that.  They don’t have much healthy for me.”  Then another thought:  “But Tim won’t know.”  What?   Where in the world did that come from?

I gave it some thought and posted about it on BTV.  The title of the thread was “Old Demons DO Return”.  I thought that perhaps it was those past demons that were lurking and finding a moment of weakness to tempt me.    But…  maybe it wasn’t quite that serious.  What if it was just the familiarity of shopping and along with it came an old habit?  Perhaps it was just…   a habit!

So at Monday’s therapy session…  I posed the question to the counselor.  He asked me several questions to find out if these thoughts were luring me in to actions that I did not want to commit and regretted later.  Or, were they just thoughts that I was able to stop and refuse its temptation?  They were not thoughts that caused me to fall from grace or off the wagon, as some addicts would say.  They didn’t disturb me, but were more of a nuisance by making me wonder, “where is THAT ludicrous thought coming from?” It was actually very strange.

So…  even at 3.5 years post op, those old “habits” or “demons” whichever you choose to call them, do return.  Or is it that they actually never left, but were lying dormant for a time that they would reveal themselves?  Hmmm…  I don’t know…  It does remind me though that I am not beyond temptation.  I still have struggles, have times of temptation, and the occasional “Hey!  Buy a candy bar!” moments….

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Mar
15/10
Liquid Courage
Last Updated on Monday, 15 March 2010 01:08
Written by Melinda
Monday, March 15th, 2010

Saturday I met a group of wls friends at TGIFriday’s.  I LOVE this place, and it seems that I can only go there when our “Lunch Bunch” decides to meet there for a monthly gathering.  Tim doesn’t care for it so any other time I ask to go, the answer is always NO.  My favorite thing to order is the parmesan encrusted chicken with three cheese ravioli, and a side of tomatoes and mozarella cheese.  Yummy!  I always take full advantage of lunch bunch meetings at TGIFridays!

There was a pretty big turnout this month as one of our “veterans” is moving away.  We took up money and signed a card, and then presented Paula with it.  I’ll miss her because she is one of the folks who helped me the most after my surgery.  She taught me some great protein recipes and is one of the great minds behind the first PROTEIN INTERVENTION (when my protein levels were so low that I was malnourished).  I owe quite a bit to her.

Now let me just shift here for a moment to say that we had some new folks join us.  We met at 1:00 in the afternoon, and one of the individuals ordered a glass of wine.  “This could get interesting” I said to my friend, Steve.  “Why?” he asked.  “Because she is drinking a glass of wine.”  After all, an RNY patient and alcohol do NOT mix!

I noticed that it took one glass for her to start slurring words.  Two glasses made her so at ease that she started laughing and visiting with everyone around her.  Three glasses and she was throwing pieces of napkins across the room and raising her voice in squeals of delight.  Before it was over (the luncheon, that is), the person ordered a total of 4 glasses of wine and a shot.  Each time I looked up at her (which was often) she had a wine glass to her lips, NOT a knife or fork.  I  don’t even know if she ate while there.

Now to normal NON wls folks, the question is “So what?  So she had 4 glasses of wine and a shot of alcohol?  Big deal.  I do that sometimes.”  All of you weight loss surgery patients already see a problem here.   Seems that many of us deal with a variety of addictions either pre- or post- surgery.  And addiction comes in many forms.   It’s not the first time our group has been witness to the demonization of alcohol.   As one Facebook reader commented, it is possible that this person was a drinker prior to their surgery.  But at POST RNY, 1:00 in the afternoon, avoiding food to drink, and drinking among support group peers to the point of total intoxication?  I see a problem.

But, this post isn’t specifically to recount a story of “some lady” at a luncheon.  I tell this story to talk about my own addictions, and how I could very easily be a person with an alcohol addiction.  I had a life altering procedure that hinders my ability to intake and even enjoy volumes of food – - something which previously gave me much comfort and peace.  For a recovering food addict like myself, (aka Recovering Fatty) this leaves a hole to be filled.  The question is, WITH WHAT DO I FILL THE HOLE?

Sometimes, I’ve used shopping to fill the void.  I ran up mounds of credit card debt which I am just now getting control of.  I’ve been a compulsive hoarder of “collections” of things.  I STILL continue to look to food as a comfort as made evident by my cabinets which are filled with every type of protein imaginable.  It was in a therapy session a few weeks ago that I realized my food addiction swapped from ENDULGING/EATING the food to COLLECTING/HOARDING food.  But it is still a food addiction.  Food STILL brings me great comfort and I feel safe in having it within my reach, even though I rarely consume the mass volumes that I collect.

There’s a reason I was obese.  It wasn’t JUST because I liked food.  It wasn’t JUST because I didn’t exercise.  It wasn’t JUST because I ate the wrong types of food.  It was because I had emotional difficulties and leaned upon food as my friend and comfort.  It was a faithful companion.  But what happens when suddenly, I divorced food and was not able to continue my love affair with it?  I was forced to find other friends, and not all of them are healthy, as made evident by the person at the gathering Saturday who drank herself to “happy and jovial”.  Perhaps she needed the courage to meet new people, and resorted to the liquid courage of alcohol.  Or, maybe I’m making assumptions and she doesn’t have a problem with alcohol at all.  But nevertheless…  I won’t judge because I’m guilty.  It’s just that my new friends came in various sizes and shapes than hers.

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